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New 52 Comic Review – “Superman/Wonder Woman” #6

Somebody needs to explain to me why this happened. Why did this pairing have to become a thing?

Zod and Faora are preparing to open the Phantom Zone and let loose all of the crazies, and Superman and Wonder Woman are flying around being pretty. Clark is having reservations about their operations as heroes. He’s worried that they may have been a better team when they weren’t also doing it. Once again, Wonder Woman callously dismisses his concerns because she’s kind of a bitch in this book.

Of course, to be fair, Clark is full of feelings all the time.

Of course, to be fair, Clark is full of feelings all the time.

Knowing that it’s going to be a tough match between them and Zod and not-Ursa, they turn to Diana’s extended family for help. Namely, Hephaestus, who looks a heck of a lot like a parademon.

Especially in the pages on her own book and ESPECIALLY when he's actually wearing his goggles.

Especially in the pages on her own book and ESPECIALLY when he’s actually wearing his goggles.

It seems that Diana sees their biggest advantage as being the element of surprise, and since the other Kryptonians have the same heightened senses as Clark, that’s almost a moot point. Put it’s okay because Hephaestus has a solution for that.

So, as Zod and Whatsherface finish constructing their StarGate out of garbage, Clark and Diana blow their element of surprise with a since blow which pretty much barely fazes either of them, and which only actually hits Zod anyways.

Because they're terrible at everything.

Because they’re terrible at everything.

 

And I don’t know that I understand this next panel.

Okay, so I guess Hephaestus has, like, an invisible ship that he’s letting them use. Is that going to end up being the invisible jet?

More importantly, why would they emerge from it and announce their presence, even if they are sporting their new WitchBlade armour?

It really just looks like bad art direction, with missiles coming out of nowhere.

It really just looks like bad art direction, with missiles coming out of nowhere.

And the fight scene ensues. And something was bothering me about this whole thing, because, y’know, I’ve also been reading Wonder Woman’s solo series…

Oh, here we go.

Oh, here we go.

Wait. What is that little yellow box saying?

GROWL.

GROWL.

SIGH. Come ON, DC! Wasn’t the whole point of the reboot to make sure that every comic is in-sync, storywise? All of the timelines would match up and the crossovers wouldn’t be so muddled?

Or is this your way of finally, albeit quietly, admitting that you only did it because you were officially out of ideas?

I think we know the answer.

But, back to the issue…

Fighting. Fighting. Fighting.

Fighting. Fighting. Fighting.

And this happens. They got the snot beaten out of them, but they’re okay and they’re going to somehow deliver the force of their blows right back to them.

In the lamest possible way.

In the lamest possible way.

BEWARE THE POWER OF HAND-HOLDING!

Because SCIENCE.

Apparently.

No. Y’know, what? I’m just going to assume that these suits were designed to absorb kinetic energy and expel it as energy energy a la Sebastian Shaw. Because I don’t think that that was ever stated, and I’m trying to make the leap for the writers since I’m really at my wit’s end with the New 52.

But, I digress. As I often do.

So, they knock Zod and Whosits down and out… Until the gods decide to continue hazing their sister’s boyfriend.

By directly blasting them with a super-dose of sunlight courtesy of Apollo. Who is currently dead in Wonder Woman. Which is why this is stupid. Well, not the only reason it's stupid, really.

By directly blasting them with a super-dose of sunlight courtesy of Apollo. Who is currently dead in Wonder Woman. Which is why this is stupid. Well, not the only reason it’s stupid, really.

So, now they’re super-charged and gonna be pretty much impossible to beat.

Ha! Awesome.

Way to go, Apollo.

Way to go, Apollo.

Lo and behold, they up and beat the ever-loving super-poo out of the two of them and them fly them over to a conveniently nearby nuclear plant with a solid lead core to dump them in.

Lead AND radiation. Good. So this shit will be over soon enough, right?

Lead AND radiation. Good. So this shit will be over soon enough, right?

And now the rogue Kryptionians can fullfill their promise to the other inhabitants of the Phantom Zone. To create a hell on earth via a swarm of superpowered alien war criminals who will take over the planet and them probably fight with each other and destroy 91.5% of the planet in the process of their respective bids for power.

Still a better love story than Superman and Wonder Woman's.

Still a better love story than Superman and Wonder Woman’s.

 

In their lead would-be tomb, Clark and Diana have a very stilted and breathless conversation, wherein they have no ability to figure this shit out, but Clark just fucking knows what they’re doing.

But, the conversation takes five years to get out because of all of the ellipses, and they lose anyways. Oh, wait...

But, the conversation takes five years to get out because of all of the ellipses, and they lose anyways. Oh, wait…


And, finally, we get some literal ancient-Greek-deus ex machina.

Why would you ever bring this up in conversation?

Why would you ever bring this up in conversation?

And right before they’re about to make their tremendous sacrifice?

Ugh.

Ugh.

Which, by the way…

https://i2.wp.com/media.heavy.com/media/2013/02/tumblr_lmj3n8jRaE1qguurxo1_500.gif

Not transparent at all.

And also…

https://i0.wp.com/www.gurl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/gag-gif1.gif

I can’t believe I’m saying it, and I’ll probably never say it again, but Honey Boo Boo has a point.

And kablooey. And I’m sure that there was nobody working in or living near that nuclear power plant they were trapped inside of at the moment.

Casualties shmasualties.

Casualties shmasualties.

So, it looks like they’ve stopped the bad guys! Right? I mean, surely, they must have with a blast like that!

Escpecially since… Well, take a look at them, lying at ground zero.

Oh, look. He wrapped her in his cape. Chivalry isn't dead; it's just a special kind of special.

Oh, look. He wrapped her in his cape. Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s just a special kind of special.

And that’s how the series ends.

…Not really. But I woulnd’t mind it! I like Superman. I like Wonder Woman. They’re my two favourite DCU characters… Pre-New 52. I really don’t like them now. And I especially, in case any of you guys haven’t cottoned on by this point, hate them together. It just doesn’t fit!

They don’t fit.

They’re a great team when tey fight alongside one another, but I don’t see the whole romance thing working out for them. The reason that Lois and Clark were such a good match was because, among numerous other reasons, it gave Superman/Clark a real depth. It brought him closer to his humanity, made him really one of us normal folks walking the earth, at least for a little while. And his humanity drove his heroics.

But with him dating Wonder Woman, it’s more like he’s being pulled away from his humanity. And I have a problem with that.

How is that going to make his a more compelling story?

It’s not.

Also, how is that going to make him more heroic?

I won’t.

So, another issue out and read and reviewed and I still don’t see it for them.

And, by the way, I’m not the only one of the FanGirls. We touched on the issue in our latest podcast. You should really check it out.

But, we’ll be back next month to see if this gets any more palatable.

Or any less intolerable.

Peace out.

 

 

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New 52 Comic Review – “Superman/Wonder Woman #5

So, you’ve all seen by now that I’ve dropped a few comics. Because they’re comics that I can’t stand. Why, then, have I kept this series on? Could it be that I’ve actually grown to like it?!

Haha, no.

Not even a little bit. In fact, I hate it so much that I’m forcing myself to continue reading and review each issue through at least issue #6, maybe through #12, just to prove that I’m not being petty because I don’t/can’t ship Clark/Diana. Rather, I’ll stick with it to be certain that this is not a viable pairing (and so far it is SUPER not a good match), and to prove it to others that this shit needs to stop right now.

In fact, given that, let’s get on to the review.

Uh...Huh.

Uh…Huh.

Wonder Woman is on Paradise Island… Again. Because she done already went there, and talked to her fossilized mother, and then left again, all in her solo book. So, still not sure how this book ties into their own titles.

Anyways, Diana is visiting her decimated home specifically to apologize, but mostly to freely express what she views as a weakness. That is, her relationship with Clark.

And his Secret ID is apparently driving her bonkers.

And his Secret ID is apparently driving her bonkers.

Meanwhile, Clark is still battling Zod and his latest Phantom Zone escapee, Zod’s lover Faora, who is rabid and totally not here for these shenanigans.

But that bitch back in the Phantom Zone!

But that bitch back in the Phantom Zone!

Apparently, coming out of the Phantom Zone is like coming out of the Lazarus Pit, in that you come out batshit crazy until somebody can knock some sense into you. That somebody in this case? Zod. But, before he can deal with his girlfriend’s time of the month, he has to distract Clark. He does so quite effectively by freeing all of the creatures in the Fortress of Solitude’s zoo.

Although, really, he might want to rethink some of his pet options in here......

Although, really, he might want to rethink some of his pet options in here……

Back on Themiscyra, Diana discovers that the doors to the Underworld are… slightly askew. So, something must have escaped from hell… But I’m more stuck on how the entrance to hell is on Paradise Island.

Uhhh, no?

Uhhh, no?

While fighting the creature from the black lagoon, Clark loses track of Zod and Faora, so he enlists the help of his wingman, Batman. Why Batman, because Supes is in the dog house and Diana isn’t picking up her comm.

This is why Batman can't have superpowers. He would just slap people for the stupid shit they do. All day, every day.

This is why Batman can’t have superpowers. He would just slap people for the stupid shit they do. All day, every day.

Of course, she may be a bit busy with that whole something-just-escaped-from-hell-and-now-I’ve-got-to-put-it-back-in-its-hole thing…

He just looks happy to be outside.

He just looks happy to be outside.

She binds the demon or whatever and stabs it right through the skull, tossing its carcass back into Tartarus, and then securing the doors with her lasso. Her fucking lasso. Magic motherfucking lasso of motherfucking truth.

WHY? WHY WAS THIS YOUR ONLY OPTION?!!

WHY? WHY WAS THIS YOUR ONLY OPTION?!!

Her lasso, you guys… Is now a super glowy doorstop.

Also, can I just say, “Good enough” should not be a phrase uttered when we’re talking about securing the portal through which the dead and demons can come through from the Underworld to our own? C’mon, bitch, put a little effort into it! Jeebus….

Seriously, bro, is this broad even worth it at this point?

Seriously, bro, is this broad even worth it at this point?

So, back on Keeping up with the Kryptonians, Zod is struggling with Faora and her bullshit, getting the shit kick right on out of him. So, as is always the case with true love, he slams into her and bashes her body into the side of a rock formation.

Ah, l'amour.

Ah, l’amour.

Luckily, and because that’s a thing that always happens in fiction, severe head trauma actually fixes the problem at hand. So, now that he’s managed to catch up to them, commence OPERATION: Team Up on Kal-El!

Oh, this isn't the kind of "Double Team" you were hoping for, Clark...

Oh, this isn’t the kind of “Double Team” you were hoping for, Clark…

Shit’s not going so well for Clark, and they’re already learning all about their fun new powers on Earth. Cyborg finally gets in touch with Wonder Woman, who stops to take a second to get her boots back on, lest she look underdressed for a superhero.

...Your boots zipper up. Really????

…Your boots zipper up. Really????

Once properly accessorized for her first meeting with some other Kryptonians, she zips to the scene, just in time to save Clark from another round of ass whooping.

Wonder Woman learned a language?! Oh, BFD.

Wonder Woman learned a language?! Oh, BFD.

Also, does “He is MINE” totally not sound like she wants to be the one to beat his ass?

Zod mocks Diana before they fight. Big mistake.

I don't know why her sword is burning a bitch, but Faora's got to be pissed that Zod goaded her on earlier.

I don’t know why her sword is burning a bitch, but Faora’s got to be pissed that Zod goaded her on earlier.

Clark and Diana swap partners briefly (again, not in the way you’d hope), and Clark suggests bondage.

sww5-17

Again, was there nothing else you could have used?

Clark, unfortunately, it turns out is a total vagina, getting caught by the throat and unable to free himself despite his arms being free, his super strength which should by all right surpass Zod’s because of his extensive exposure to Earth’s yellow sun, the fact that he also has heat vision, super breath that freezes shit and which Zod probably isn’t even aware of yet, the ability to kick Zod in his super nuts… Really, the list goes on and there’s no reason for this shit to drag on.

Alas, we have reached an impasse. Might I suggest iocane powder.

Alas, we have reached an impasse. Might I suggest iocane powder?

Diana threatens to kill Faora, and so the two call it quits and part ways as unlikely friends promise to kill each other at a later date, sometime more convenient for them all, Faora will call Diana and she’ll pencil her in for next month’s issue, etc.

sww5-19

“Strategic Retreat” sure sounds like you lost to me.

So, in order to prolong this story, we have to let them go. Because you couldn’t just agree to let each partner go and then keep fighting right then and there. Or, it’s not like everybody there except for Clark comes from a military background and so was trained in ways which include how to deal with casualties or anything.

Now, the thing about this issue is that I didn’t really mind it. It was an alright read. However, that’s because they weren’t really together in this issue. They fought together. Hey, that’s great! I actually really like it when Superman and Wonder Woman team up! It’s the bee’s knees! BUT, I still do not like them together!

I just don’t see it. And this issue did nothing to alleviate my feelings of… “Ugh” for this pairing.

Come back next month, for more on this couple with next issue’s review.

In the meantime, for more on why none of the Fangirls are really here for this couple, along with several others, be sure to check out our podcast!

Later, nerds!