What up, Nerds?
By now, the Interwebs are all aflutter with postings and repostings of Empire Magazine’s exclusive photos from Fox’s newest installment in the X-Men movie franchise. In fact, the magazine is releasing 25 different covers, each one with a solo image of a character to be featured in the film. Well… Actually, one of the covers is of director Bryan Singer (and we’ll just gloss over my feelings on him) and Rogue (who was actually cut from the film, by all accounts).
What TFP is going to do here, though, is take a look at each of the photos and analyze each one from a realistic, practical, design, and probably some other perspectives.
Basically, I’m about to tear these costumes to SHREDS.
Ignore my giddiness and maniacal laughter, and let’s get started.
That’s a heck of an arch to its back. Sentinel’s trying to look SEXY. Watch the future version sport some ducklips.
Sentinels… Okay, so we don’t really get a good look at the feet here, so I can’t comment terribly accurately on the base, but… This whole thing looks kind of unsteady. Like, a stiff breeze or a pothole could knock this bitch over, let alone a bunch of fucking badass mutants. And that massive grate on its chest? That might be an exhaust, which would be a terrible idea for all of the reasons. Maybe it’s actually an air intake, but that still seems like a huge, obvious, highly vulnerable spot for such a thing. This thing looks so unstable with it’s broad, non-centred shoulders, but I also find myself staring uncomprehendingly at its crotch, where it has an athletic cup… Why.
Nice threads, man.
I’m a little bit confused here… By the end of “X-Men: First Class,” they had uniforms. Or, jumpsuits at least. So, why is it that Alex Summers is now sporting a way over-sized olive drab onesie? It almost looks like a pilot’s jumpsuit, but… I can’t figure out why he’d be wearing one. And let’s not even get started on how perfectly his hair is coifed while his clothes are super wrinkled.
What is this even?! Toad is also in military-ish clothes, but… This looks like a past-version, but with a mohawk… And I don’t understand. Toad was in the first X-Men movie, also directed by Bryan Singer, and I see no reason for him to be used again, in the past, with an anachronistic haristyle, acne scars, a completely different actor and complexion, and with whatever the fuck those goggles are.
And he grew up to be Brian Cox?! I think not!
Pretty standard stuff here. I don’t know that a regular human and his standard issue US military uniform really needs all that much exposition.
Oh. Oh the 70s.
This… This is such a 70s suit. ALL OF THE BROWN. Plus the brown sunglasses with their fade… But, I think, the most important element here is the mustache. It’s what lets you know that he’s a villain. Because people with mustaches are never to be trusted.
Once again, the eyes are led down to the crotch.
Some of this… Something about this… It seems half-assed. Those scales seem way too big and, if memory serves correctly, they used to have a texture to them, instead of looking like great, big, sparsely spaced sequins. She used to look more together, parts of her skin looking almost like she had blue-chick psoriasis, but she looks like a Trill (from Star Trek) who got glitter-bombed. Also, her boobs look larger than usual, and her crotch is… uncomfortable. Like, the spots and their sizes gradient out and in and it just looks… Weird. Extra exposed. I dunno. But I don’t like.
How do you get pants on with those feet?
I actually appreciate that he’s dressed like a person here. Like he’s still clinging to his humanity despite his transformation. And I don’t necessarily hate what he’s wearing, either… But I have the same questions about missing uniforms and also just what he’s trying to accomplish by dressing normal when he’s fucking blue.
What is this even?! I’m so… Nonverbal right now that I’m going to outsource this one to Kizerezik:
- “It really looks like he was designed back in the 70’s. Along with Prof X’s jet-chair? It’s totally how the 70 or 80’s thought the future would be like.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s an old camera case attached to the front of his belt.”
With his speed, wouldn’t most this shit fall off?”
“I really like that in the blur of him, his hair isn’t moving at all. If he’s going really fast, wouldn’t his hair be flowing at least a little bit?”
“I hope that control thing is connected to a game of pong.”
Actually, y’know what? No. I have formed an opinion now. In my mind, he looks like a refugee from a Young Adult novel that takes place in a dystopian future and whose main character is a teenaged girl who discovers that the quality that makes her special is the key to unraveling the tapestry of lies that hide the true face of evil in her government… And he’s, like, a tertiary character who joins the fight and does shit like making a disposable camera into a bomb and prying control panels off of walls in order to hack into mainframes. I don’t see superspeedy son of a terrorist with magnetic powers. I see a utility belt, a leather jacket, goggles, headphones, a terrible dye job, and it all adds up to a big cliche.
What is happening with that plate over your abdomen?
I feel like this isn’t a terrible interpretation of the costume, but it looks like his stomach is pushed out and his shoulders too far back and it’s really throwing me off.
I don’t have a problem with his clothes. Truth be told, I couldn’t give a shit if he was wearing a mesh tank top and a pink tutu.
DIDN”T THIS MOTHERFUCKER GET PARALYZED AT THE END OF “X-MEN: FIRST CLASS?!”
Obligatory super-ripped, shirtless Hugh Jackman? Check. Bone claws?! Fuck yeah! CONTINUITY, BITCHES!
No, thank you.
Naw, I’m not here for you having your own cover, Bryan Singer. I’m not going to even dignify this cover with my glorious opinions.
Back to the future!
Now we have future Logan, with his adamantium claws and a brand new costume. I… actually kind of like this design. I mean, it’s definitely a step up from the leather suits from the first two movies, at the very least. The use of subtle colours in the undersuit, visible mostly in the sleeves is, I think, a nod to the classic Wolverine costume, since the deep blue and dingy yellow are the only non-black colours visible. The spartan use of pads and armour is interesting, especially when we consider the nature of Logan’s powers. And then… The pants. Which have no padding or armour whatsoever. So… Do we not care about Hugh Jackman’s junk?
I think not.
Is this a hoverround chair?!
Professor X… You’re paralyzed, bro. And yet you have a tactical vest on beneath a black badass jacket. And you have armour on your limp, unfeeling legs. Not even Wolverine had leg armour! You’re in a fancy-shmancy future BULLSHIT flying wheel-less wheelchair. WHAT are you going to do in a combat situation? Be for reals, man.
Oh, his stance is mirroring young Magneto’s. METAPHORS ARE IMPORTANT.
I guess, in the future, everyone only wears black. And, as you get older and need more armour, you wear less? Whatevah. It’s Sir Ian McKellan. I suppose that the most significant thing here is the lack of his iconic helmet. That’s probably meant to signify his shift to the light side. Either that or he and Professor X are finally together and they’ve agreed to never keep secrets from each other.
Wink wink, 20th Century Fox.
I just… I have so many complaints. Way back in the way back, when I was still in high school and deeply in love with the first two X-Men movies, when superhero movies weren’t lurking around every major US holiday, before Joss Whedon showed me what could really happen with “The Avengers,” a superhero team I had never really cared about growing up, I had no problem with Halle Berry’s protrayal as Storm. Now, as I’ve grown older and wiser and rewatched these movies… I have to call into question this casting choice. Well, to be fair, this is probably mostly poor direction and bad writing, as a lot of people don’t know how to write women, let alone minority women. Let alone the epitome of the Strong, Independent Black Woman. But moving back to the clothing, since that is what’s supposed to be dissected in this post, I appreciate the nods to one of the more iconic costumes, but, really. Are those thigh-high boots? That shit just looks uncomfortable. It’s a good thing she’s not much of a melee fighter in the movies, since she’d have a hard time fighting and running with those shoes, and that cape would get caught on all kinds of shit. Just fly and fling lightning and make terrible quips, Halle. But maybe put a little effort into your hair next time.
So, the other X-Men are all wearing all black, but Rogue is wearing all white? Is this symbolism? A metaphor? A plot point? Important at ALL?! Probably not, since every nerd news outlet is saying that her entire presence has been cut from the movie. In fact, y’know, I really only have one thing to say to Anna Paquin’s Rogue, a character that has been my bane since the first movie because she’s my FAVOURITE in the comics:
You will not be missed.
See you in the deleted scenes.
Is this racist? A little bit, right?
So… Warpath looks like if Rufio and the Prince of Persia had a baby, and the baby was STILL the wrong race. It looks like the designers were like, “Let’s give everyone the same base costume, random ass armour, and then let’s throw in some ethnic, and then some inconsistencies with these leather pauldron looking things on his shoulders.” What is with the black across his eyes? Is it to hide the fact that Booboo Stewart is Asian? Okay, he says he’s also Blackfoot Indian, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about Prince Zuko over here… I also have to question the inclusion of Warpath in this movie in general. He has heightened senses, super strength, enhanced speed, and flight, all powers that we already have in the main X-Men cast. What exactly does he bring to the table?
Kitty Pryde? Not Shadowcat?
Her expression is vapid, her face monochromatic, and her outfit painfully plain. Why do we care about movie Kitty again? Oh, yeah. We don’t.
Once again we see a predominantly black costume with the apparently obligatory shoulder pads. Sunspot, however, has a high-backed collar that I can’t fathom a reason for and, more importantly, some linear yellow piping. The yellow lines remind me very strongly of the reflective tape on firefighters’ uniforms. So… I guess he’s a firefighter. A fighter with fire. He’s like a combination of Pyro and Cyclops, a solar power converter, and I suppose they’ve got to make due with what characters they’ve got left after the shitstorm of “X-Men: the Last Stand.”
WHOS FUCKING HEAD IS THAT THE STICKER IS COVERING?! Oh, wait, I think it’s supposed to be Warpath.
So, she gets a little bit of colour because she dyes her hair like Kizer? Pshaw. She has a little bit of a high-backed collar, although NOTHING like Sunspot’s. Her sleeves look a little shimmery, and I can’t really tell what’s going on with her costume because of all of the shoddy Photoshop. I’m mostly concerned by her doe-eyed look. She looks almost anime-styled and not like the hero. Like the girl that’s really cute and innocent and about to be raped by a tentacle monster. No es bueno, Blink. You should probably book it. Y’know, with the teleportation powers. The ones you needed to have because we never fucking found out what the hell happened to Nightcrawler. Like, really? He was so prominently featured in “X2: X-Mne United,” but we never see or hear of him again?!
Nice beard, bro.
Why do you have a heavy coat on? You’re ICEman. Are you COLD?!
This… Is an awkward pose.
His costume looks really bland and plain as well. And they gave him those fucking shoulder pads! Are those shoulder pads made of, oh, I don’t know, organic metal! Like his skin? Are they tougher, or even as tough? I doubt it. I’ve never seen a version of Colossus with sleeves, let alone with tiny little micro sleeves that only cover the shoulders. It just… It looks wrong to me.
Magical Negro alert!
He looks like he came to the future after being hurtled in time from Ancient Rome. Like, a brother was in the middle of a gladitorial contest, about to take out a lion or some shit, and Mr. Peabody comes and snatches him and deposits him into a future where giant robots roam the Earth, squishing unsuspecting mutants.I think it’s the cape. The red fucking cape. And the belts across his chest are making me think of Russel Crowe in “Gladiator.”
Now, the real problem here is that it doesn’t look like he, or any of the other mutants for that matter, are sporting their “M” tattoos on their eyes. It’s what fucking marks them as pariahs in the future! It’s a HUGE parallel to the Jews having to wear the Star of David on their clothing. It’s a plot point and the type of thing to drive Magneto up a fucking wall! HOW IS THIS NOT THERE?!
I don’t even know what kind of thing I’m looking at here.
So, I think that I’d have to understand what the hell is going on with this future sentinel in order to really be able to comment on it. And I DON’T. I have no idea what this is supposed to be, and I think that that in and of itself speaks volumes.
So, those are my opinions at the moment. I have SO many SUPER mixed feelings about this movie. I hope it’s good, but I’m really worried that it’s going to lick megaballs.
I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
But really, we couldn’t get a Gambit cameo? Or the redemption of Rogue?
Until next time, Fangirls!