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New 52 Comic Review – “Wonder Woman” #29

Oh, hey. Lookey there. Something finally happens.

 

Hera’s still chilling at the winery where Dionysus and his soon-to-be-turned-into-pigs comrades were in the previous couple of issues, leisurely ordering from the menu.

It's like a disdain-off. WHO WILL WIN?

It’s like a disdain-off. WHO WILL WIN?

Of course, the menu is more interesting than the ball of green glowing fire hurtling towards her. Understandable, really.

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The waiter’s taking a dive? Terrible service.

Since warning her would be ridiculous, the waiter dives out of the way while Hera is trying really hard to remember that she just wants, like, a Jack and Coke, of all things. And, of course again, the ball hits her.

So, mystical energy is just radiation, or what?

So, mystical energy is just radiation, or what?

Back in the woods, Hermes and Demeter are trying to keep on their hunt, since the Moon is a little bit OCD.

And ADD.

And ADD.

She feels a disturbance in the Force and just fucking knows that Apollo’s in danger or hurt or in some other Charles Barkley level of turrible trouble, so she asks Hermes to transport them to Olympus right away.

On the ship, one of the engines has been damaged by the explosion, and Zola is in there trying to rescue Dio… Who we actually don’t see at all in this entire issue.

Bitch couldn't call a sitter?

Bitch couldn’t call a sitter?

So, yeah, Zola’s kind of bad at things. But it’s okay because Wonder Woman is holding the plane up!

But she's not doing too great a job, is she?

But she’s not doing too great a job, is she?

But, as turns out, nobody is good at things, because Hermes gets them to Olympus just in time for Diana’s strength to crap out on her, sending the ship pretty much crashing down on top of them.

By all rights, the issue should just end right there. Also, the series.

By all rights, the issue should just end right there. Also, the series.

But, they are all on Olympus now… Or what’s left of it. And now everybody can be snarky to each other until they realize exactly what their current location means as far as, y’know, not dying goes.

Oh, wait, I'm a liar. There's Dio.

Oh, wait, I’m a liar. There’s Dio.

NO! No. No. Look, I know that Greek mythology is just chock fucking full of incest, and that this was especially the case in the gods’ case, but I’m done with all of the incest in comics, movies, TV shows, and fucking fanfiction especially. I’m DONE.

But that’s a rant for another time.

Anywho, the hyena people start to flip the fuck out…

Yeah, bitch, you better hide.

Yeah, bitch, you better hide.

And nobody seems to have noticed that they’re standing on red, squishy, raw-meat-smelling ground. And cue the appearance of the First Born. I’ve got to say, he’s looked better.

He's looked worse.

He’s looked worse.

Understandably, they’re not particularly keen on the idea of subservience to a monster, and Demeter in particular is pretty intent on that whole vengeance thing.

But lunging at this motherfucker is a bad idea, as they all ought to have known by now.

But lunging at this motherfucker is a bad idea, as they all ought to have known by now.

And I guess having no skin makes his veins weapons now, so he’s caught her and is sucking her energy away a la the Parasite.

All while monologuing!

All while monologuing!

Diana pulls a magic glowing bladed spear thingy out of… nowhere? And intend to also attack him head on.

Because, no, really, everyone is bad at everything in this issue.

Because, no, really, everyone is bad at everything in this issue.

And her attempts to be a baller don’t last very long, as she gets vein-drained.

Because nobody learns lessons any more.

Because nobody learns lessons any more.

And the monologue continues on, being way more painful than that whole imminent doom thing.

Stop antagonizing him!

Stop antagonizing him!

The First Born says that he’s learned something during his captivity, and that it’s that power, love, life, blah, everything ends eventually.

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A.) I’m not even sure that that make sense. Take a physics class, mother fucker. B.) That’s icky.

But, before he can up and end all of these assholes, the only person who is able to do any thing is the one person who’s been the most useless this whole, entire arc.

LIKE A BOSS.

LIKE A BOSS.

The return of Hera to power! Literally. Her display of mad power, which really shouldn’t be intimidating since Apollo’s power transferring over to Hera shouldn’t have amplified it and the First Born done walloped Apollo good, well, it makes the First Born book it.

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What a good sun (<-See what I did there?).

They leave Olympus in the ruins is was already in, Apollo’s guts all over the place and everything, and head to who-knows-where, where nobody questions it because they assume that wherever it is, it’s gonna be safe, so fuck it.

Nobody's gonna take baby Zeke out of the bjorn and check him over? See if he's alright and everything?

Nobody’s gonna take baby Zeke out of the bjorn and check him over? See if he’s alright and everything? No? Okay.

They pop on over to Themyscira, it turns out, so that Diana’s pseudo step-mother can give her a gift.

That's a lot of bitches to send head-first into being murdered by the First Born.

That’s a lot of bitches to send head-first into being murdered by the First Born.

The Amazons are back!

And I swear if this whole thing doesn’t feel like it just completely fell flat.

Like, “oh, hey, ladies, welcome back. I’ve nothing to say to you, despite the appearance in the comics so far that your petrification and the destruction of Paradise Island and I don’t even see my mom or any of my closest friends, but would you mind dying in throngs for me?”

https://i1.wp.com/gellertsc.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Zap-plan-of-attack.jpg

And, Wonder Woman finally accepts her mantle, knowing that her denial has cost them until now. So, she’s not asking them as Princess…

Blah.

Blah.

So, whoopee, she’s a harbinger of doom, to take down a harbinger of doom.

And I still feel like nothing happened. Hera’s back to power, yes, and last issue saw Apollo dying to give her back that power, but this whole story is just creeping along so slowly that I really do find it hard to care about one of my favourite characters.

I’m hoping that something happens to get rid of this First Born dude sooner rather than later, because I need this crap to be done with.

Honestly.

We need a new story, or at least better pacing.

And for now, I’ll be keeping an eye out for a downward spiral of yet another DC character, since being the god of war is more than likely going to be a thing that affects her as a character, morals and all.

Plus this whole “dating Superman” thing isn’t helping.

Gag.

Well, until next time.

 

 

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Comic Review – Superman/Wonder Woman #4

*SOBS*

WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

 

I don’t want to have to review this comic anymore!

So, we open where we left off last issue, with Clark having all of the insecurities about his relationship with Dianna finally being out in the open. Dianna is being kind of super not compassionate, which is way the fuck out of character for her, and even from her own book. Like, I’m not trying to reconcile this Dianna with pre-New 52 Dianna but the Dianna as she appears in the current run of Wonder Woman.

Come ON, editorial staff! This is your fucking JOB!

Come ON, editorial staff! This is your fucking JOB!

She’s got ZERO expression on her face. Her words seem to be trying to goad Clark into leaving his secret identity, his civilian life behind. She’s being a crap girlfriend right now, for realsies. It’s making me hate New 52 Wonder Woman all the more. I mean, who is writing this? Who is responsible for this?!

Charles Soule. I hate you.

Charles Soule. I hate you.

Ahem.

Back in the zoo area of the Fortress of Solitude, Zod can apparently escape at will and is going through Clark’s files and all of his cable channels.

Because Wonder Woman wasn't the only character whose reboot made them terrible at everything.

Because Wonder Woman wasn’t the only character whose reboot made them terrible at everything.

He slips back into his dome in time for Clark to come and ask him a bunch of stupid questions about Doomsday and for Zod to rib him about his lady and tease him about his accent. Zod makes up some bullshit to make himself seem even more reasonable and compassionate.

Because, apparently, they never did find the bodies of those poor brown people in the desert four feet from where the Martian Manhunter and Zod scuffled.

Because, apparently, they never did find the bodies of those poor brown people in the desert four feet from where the Martian Manhunter and Zod scuffled.

Clark blindly follows Zod’s instructions and codes a lens to the Phantom Zone projector or whatever pseudo-science they’re trying to do here, and Zod proceeds to fuck shit up by exploiting Clark’s ignorance of his culture and Zod’s own inexplicable knowledge of the intricacies of shipping containers and processing (because he’s MILITARY), and frees all of Superman’s pets.

They're not allowed on the furniture, Zod. C'mon!

They’re not allowed on the furniture, Zod. C’mon!

While they’re fighting, Wonder Woman’s monologuing off camera, talking about their similarities and their differences and talking like a person who doesn’t know how to talk like a person, another significant deviation from her life in her own series where she is, at least, kind of a person.

She says they'll separate. Hopefully this means the series will be cancelled. Because this is AWFUL.

She says they’ll separate. Hopefully this means the series will be cancelled. Because this is AWFUL.

And, of course, the thing that Zod is so desperate to bring back out of the Phantom Zone?

His boo-tay.

His boo-tay.

Now. The comic, by rights, should be over right here. The bottom of the above panel has the tagline for the next issue. But, in an apparent effort to further convince me (as though the effort were necessary and the furthering of my dismay possible) that I’m right in my opinion with (lack-of) respect to this series, they add in more plot stuff AS AN AFTER THOUGHT.

Clark meets up with Cat Grant and her beau to revel in the success of their website since breaking the story of Superman and Wonder Woman being boinking buddies.

Um, as a writer... I call BULLSHIT. Alcohol is almost ALWAYS involved.

Um, as a writer… I call BULLSHIT. Alcohol is almost ALWAYS involved.

Cat;s boyfriend Aaron is working on a device which allows anyone to instantly learn anything, in an effort to keep up with the supers.

In a Hypermax Detention facility in Utah, Lex Luthor learns of the relationship and I see no reason for him to have burn scars on his face.

More of DC trying to be "gritty," I suppose.

More of DC trying to be “gritty,” I suppose.

In Gotham, Batman is the best wingman ever and fucks up some Times Square-esque TVs so that people aren’t just fucking gawking at his friends’ lives.

See? He's a squishy little softie.

See? He’s a squishy little softie.

In London, Dianna visits Hessia (CHANGE HER NAME DC, I ALREADY WENT THROUGH THIS LAST ISSUE!) at her *snort* little kids’ martial arts class, so she can cavort about with her friend and smash up a room full of robots, like everybody has, and blow off some steam.

#Pandering.

#Pandering.

Hessia (HEAVY SIGH) says that she should be happy that he’s more open, like Dianna wanted. Dianna gives her the stink-eye, and Hessia (   😡   ) tells her that she can’t control everything, sarcastically calling her “little princess.” Dianna then says that she should go back to Themyscira… Which is kind of like saying, ” A HA, I can control the SHIT out of things THERE!”

Back at the celebration a la Cat Grant, Clark asks why the flash drive was sent to them, who would have sent it, all of the actually rational questions, and she gives absolutely ZERO fucks. Frankly, I don’t know who to root for here. Because I hate EVERYONE.

Except for Lois. I actually really love Lois Lane. GROWL.

Except for Lois. I actually really love Lois Lane. GROWL.

So… I really hate this title. It’s a hodgepodge of stupid storylines, bad writing, poor characterization, and irrationality altogether. I still do not see any reason for them to be together. At ALL. For goodness’ sake, this past issue actually was printed out of order! I don’t know whether to focus on their relationship woes, the Zod story, or the mystery of who sent Cat Grant the story, and I don’t actually want or care to really delve into any of these storylines. And now they’ve added in a thing with Lex Luthor, and about Clark needing to focus on being Clark, and Dianna taking a trip back home and I just…

I don’t care.

SIGH.

See you next month, I guess.

Because I’m dedicated. And by dedicated, I mean a masochist.

Later, nerds.