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The Walking Recap – TWD S4E11 “Claimed”

No Daryl this episode. Half of you can leave now.

J/K, assholes. Don't leave.

J/K, assholes. Don’t leave.

 

Here’s what happened:

So, there really was no Daryl in this episode. Instead, we go back and forth between Rick, Carl, and Michonne, and then Glenn, Tara, and Abraham and his crew.

We open with Tara, riding in the back of Abraham’s truck, keeping an eye on a still passed out Glenn and keeping a sharp eye out for every landmark and road sign that she can. She’s actually being a good buddy a la the buddy system, and seems to really be trying to make amends for her part in the assault on the prison.

Her hands are covered in permanent marker, writing down place names and prominent features.

Her hands are covered in permanent marker, writing down place names and prominent features.

 

The truck comes to a stop when the road is blocked, and Abraham comes out just as Tara is about to open fire on a small group of walkers that have been following them and have now caught up. He takes them out with a tire iron, and then borrows Tara’s rifle to finish the job via smashing a surprisingly resilient walker’s head in with the butt of the gun.

Tara comments that that’s something which she’s never seen before, and he reminds her that he saw her bash in a walker’s head just hours before. She tells him that the thing she’s never seen before was a man who did it while smiling.

Well, man's gotta have a hobby.

Well, man’s gotta have a hobby.

 

He tells her that he’s the luckiest guy in the world. Then orders her to help him move the cars that are obstructing their path.

After the opening credits run, we get to catch up with Carl and Michonne. They’re having breakfast, lamenting the lack of milk, even soy, when Carl brings up Judith in an anecdote… Which leads to the both of them getting uncomfortable/sad and Carl abruptly leaving the table.

Michonne goes to the kitchen, where Rick is puttering about like a man refusing to acknowledge that he needs to stay in bed because he’s got shit to do!

Bro, you've already looked through all of those drawers.

Bro, you’ve already looked through all of those drawers.

 

She asks him what the plan is now, whether this highly vulnerable plantation style-ish house is home now, because she weren’t there for the farm to see how well that worked out but she really ought to be able to figure from the whole prison deal. He says that they ought to stay there until they figure something out, and the two share a look that says they both understand that they’re staying until Rick at least isn’t about to keel over. They discuss going out for more supplies, and Rick is like, “‘Kay, I’m totes ready,” but she tells him that he’s stupid and he needs to rest. Michonne tells him that she’ll take Carl.

They sync watches and agree to be back by noon. Ish.

I still think that there's no way that Carl's strong enough to fire that massive pistol and be able to compensate for the kick of that mule.

I still think that there’s no way that Carl’s strong enough to fire that massive pistol and be able to compensate for the kick of that mule.

 

After their first house, Michonne playfully asks Carl if he found any cookies or chocolate bars. He tells her that there wasn’t anything even remotely as amazing as 112 oz. of chocolate pudding, and she whips out her take. A can of spray cheese!

For which, I think, she looks entirely too excited.

For which, I think, she looks entirely too excited.

He’s less than impressed, and so she takes the opportunity to down a whole bunch of the stuff.

The zombies will never get her, but I dunno about canned cheese product, girl.

The zombies will never get her, but I dunno about canned cheese product, girl.

 

He still doesn’t laugh, and she apologizes, musing that her humour might be better suited to toddlers. As they clear out another house for supplies (“Food, Batteries, Water, in that order.”), she opens up about having had a three year old son. Carl immediately bombards her with questions, and she agrees to answer them, one at a time, after each room that they’ve cleared and searched.

Back at Ranch-O Rick, our hero is… Taking a nap after having fallen asleep reading a book. A selection of Jack London’s short stories. He is awoken by the sounds of fighting from downstairs, as a group of violence-prone male survivors entres the house and seemingly kills one of their own right away. He gave his gun to Carl, and the men have assault weapons, so he has to resort to hiding under the bed… In a very manly fashion.

How could they not just smell you, though, Rick?!

How could they not just smell you, though, Rick?!

Naturally, one of the men decides to up and take a nap on Rick’s claimed bed, trapping him under the bed as it sags under the man’s weight.

Meanwhile, our two favourite junk food aficionados are still playing their rousing game of opening emotional scars. She reveals his name, “Andre,” and the fact that he was her only child, plus that he died early on after the outbreak.

And she's actually taking it all very well as she checks out these peoples' paintings.

And she’s actually taking it all very well as she checks out these peoples’ paintings.

Carl brings her another painting, this one wrapped in white paper, to bribe her into answering his next question. He heads off to clear out another room, and she uncovers the painting to reveal a portrait of a young girl that’s been streaked with red and her mouth violently X-ed out. It kinda kills the mood, and Michonne heads out to investigate more of the house, since shit just took kind of a serial killer-y turn. She stalks through children’s rooms and discovers an entire family having killed themselves in one of the kids’ rooms, holding hands and laying in bed.

Some tears ensue. Probably due to the stench.

Some tears ensue. Probably due to the stench.

 

She slips out of the room and very subtly presses herself against the door as Carl walks in. He assumes that a child was inside. She tells him that it was a dog, and he doesn’t press the matter. He tells her that his dad let him name Judith, and then muses that maybe she and Andre are together somewhere. She tells him that they ought to be getting back, because Rick will be getting worried, and because she’s kind of a way better mom than Lori was.

Speaking of Rick, he is almost found out when one of the other men comes into the room and strangles the one of the men, leaving him unconscious on the floor inches from Rick’s face, just so that he can now take a nap in a grown-up sized bed.

How are these guys sticking together and living?!

How are these guys sticking together and living?!

 

We finally check back in with Glenn and Tara, and Glenn is adamant as ever about finding his wife. Tara tells him that they’ve been driving for three hours, and that they passed the remains of the prison folk who “escaped” on the bus, but she assures him that she can find their way back via her very “hand”-y (<- see what I did there?) set of directions. Glenn forces Abraham to stop the truck, and picks up his gear and starts walking.

Abraham chases after him, telling him that they’ve got to stick together and that the fate of the human race depends on Dr. Mullet over there on the left.

Also known as Captain Useless. I could never put my faith in this dude's hands, for so any reasons.

Also known as Captain Useless. I could never put my faith in this dude’s hands, for so any reasons.

 

Abraham says that they’ve got to get him, a scientist, to Washington DC, because Dr. Mullet knows exactly what caused this whole mess.

Uh…huh. Well, I call bullshit, but I’m not in the show. So, when Glenn asks what happened, and Dr. Mullet tells him that it’s classified, he takes a walk. Abraham, however, still isn’t willing to let him go, telling him to accept that his wife is dead, and that even if she is alive, he’ll never find her again.

Glenn takes the news about as well as can be expected.

Glenn takes the news about as well as can be expected.

 

None too pleased about getting punched in his ginger face, Abraham tackles Glenn and the two fight while the woman folk try to pry them apart. Dr. Mullet, meanwhile, panics at the sight of a solitary walker.

CAPTAIN USELESS, AWAY!

CAPTAIN USELESS, AWAY!

Seeing that help isn’t coming, he hurries to retrieve a weapon which he has no idea how to handle, and proceeds to fire at exactly the wrong spot, attract more walkers, and fuck up the truck as well, all while Glenn, Abraham, and the girls rush back to neutralize the threat. The whole crew opens fire and likely wastes a metric fuck ton of bullets taking out only about a dozen walkers… And Tara needs some direction because her firing looks kind of awkward, since her gun doesn’t have a shoulder stock and looks pretty shaky.

These guys look pretty solid in this still, despite Dr. Mullet's uselessness and this broad's desperate need of pants.

These guys look pretty solid in this still, despite Dr. Mullet’s uselessness and this broad’s desperate need of pants.

 

They do make short work of the minihorde and Abraham quickly notes that there’s been damage to what’s probably supposed to be the fuel line. An inauspicious introduction for Dr. Mullet.

DUCT TAPE, MOTHER FUCKER!

DUCT TAPE, MOTHER FUCKER!

 

Checking back in with Rick, he tries to escape from under the men’s notice, while we hear talk drifting up from downstairs about how a woman’s shirt has been washed and is hanging on a line to dry… The men are planning to basically rape Michonne as soon as she gets back in. So… Yeah, Rick, you need to hurry on up. As he slips around corners and ducks into other rooms, Rick has a series of narrow escapes from the eyes of the men… Until he ducks into the second floor bathroom and comes face to face with a dude just sitting, fully clothed, on the toilet, lid closed and with the door wide open.

Strangling seems to be the favourite method of murder this episode...

Strangling seems to be the favourite method of murder this episode…

 

Rick fights this dude who just can’t reach the scissors on the vanity and who also doesn’t have the presence of mind to at least fire a warning shot from his rifle to alert the other men that there’s a problem in the house, leaving him on the ground, either unconscious or dead. Although, considering that they’re stomping around, grunting, and knocking all of the shit off of the sink and nobody ever comes running, maybe he knew that it would be to no avail anyways.

Rick now has what looks like an uzi and a pair of scissors, and leaves through the window.

Pausing briefly to eye fuck the camera, of course.

Pausing briefly to eye fuck the camera, of course.

 

He drops down to the back porch and circles the house, ready to take out this motherfucker on the front porch as he sees Carl and Michonne approaching in the distance.

This dude who is eating like he's on a diet and is spitting out half of what's on his spoon.

This dude who is eating like he’s on a diet and is spitting out half of what’s on his spoon.

 

However the heck far away they are, Abraham realises that the truck is completely unreasonably fucked, and so Glenn gets his wish of heading back to the truck in the hopes that Maggie will be there, waiting to meet up with him. Abraham agrees to follow when Dr. Mullet tells him that they can find another car and another way, and that he should trust him because he’s smarter than Abraham.

...Kill Dr. Mullet. Really. Right now. That's it. Done.

…Kill Dr. Mullet. Really. Right now. That’s it. Done.

 

Elsewhere, Rick is saved from having to engage in a firefight for which he’s woefully outgunned when the sound of shouting and gunfire erupts from within the house, presumably since his victim up in the bathroom may have turned by now and it attacking the the rest of the would-be rapists.

See Rick run. Run, Rick, run!

See Rick run. Run, Rick, run!

 

We see one more shot of Tara and Abraham discussing his mission and debating what makes a good person, both of them denying their own goodness because of past sins.

Then, the episode closes on Michonne, Rick, and Carl spotting a banner for Terminus, the supposed sanctuary, and agreeing to head there for lack of a better plan.

Note to self, always have a series of back up plans, because the alternative is walking on train tracks, and that sounds like a sprained ankle waiting to happen.

Note to self, always have a series of back up plans, because the alternative is walking on train tracks, and that sounds like a sprained ankle waiting to happen.

 

So! Grimes & Co. are headed for Terminus! So are Tyreese and Carol and the girls! So, we should get to see Judith reunited with her family! This will bring great joy!

But we should also end up seeing Rick and Carol meeting, and then probably a blow-out once Tyreese learns of Carol’s actions… So… Also awesome.

I’ve been waiting for that.

I’m also holding out for a Glenn Maggie reunion.

HOWEVER. Next week’s preview looks like a Daryl/Beth episode, and pretty heavy on the Beth. And the guest on “Talking Dead” is going to be Norman Reedus, and that never bodes well for an actor’s character’s fate on the show itself.

Either way, see you then, and let’s hope that the rest of the season isn’t comprised of these little fucking mini vignettes focusing on pockets of characters. I want to see some advancing story! PLOT, DAGNABIT!

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New 52 Comic Review – World’s Finest Annual #1

OR, "The Adventures of Robin and Supergirl!"

OR, “The Adventures of Robin and Supergirl!”

In this Annual, we get a glimpse into Karen and Helena’s lives back on Earth 2!

The issue opens up with Batman and Robin (remember, it’s Helena here) crashing through a ginormous window of a brothel operating in the heart of downtown Gotham. How this is a surprise when the window is literally an entire wall of the room and the room is full of prostitutes, I have no idea, but I guess they needed to have something for the heroes to leap through. The two of them make short work of the… Everyone in the room.

Apparently, Helena's upbringing was SUPER sheltered, and, also apparently, Selena is dead.

Apparently, Helena’s upbringing was SUPER sheltered, and, also apparently, Selena is dead.

Helena calls Batman “Dad” and he scolds her for her inexperienced mistake, even as he leaves her alone to further investigate the brothel alone. Probably trolling, because, let’s be for realsies here. While alone in the main hall, Robin spots and stops a last woman as she flees, telling her that it’ll be alright. But this girl is in cahoots with one of the thugs who runs the joint, and the two make off after knocking Robin out, briefly.

Heehee. "The Bolthole."

Heehee. “The Bolthole.”

Turns out, Batman didn’t actually leave her completely alone, and is instead observing her at a distance as she stalks through the brothel to bust whoremongers in different rooms, thus further proving that Batman is a super creepster. Helena takes out these goons more easily this time as she startles them and uses the element of surprise to disarm them via… Throwing knives RIGHT through the fucking hands. But, she does make short work of them, even as Batman internally criticizes her for a possible carelessness while simultaneously praising her mercilessness.

Haha, is that a cunnilingus joke--? Oh, wait. Holy balls, did she kill these guys?!?!?!

Haha, is that a cunnilingus joke–? Oh, wait. Holy balls, did she kill these guys?!?!?!

This part of the comic ends with Batman spotting Robin trying to force a girl to accept her help, and Batman says that that’s a job for the police and their future caseworkers, and that her next lesson is going to be about “The Stockholm Syndrom.”

Really, Batman? Are you that dad that called everything "The" something?

Really, Batman? Are you that dad that called everything “The” something?

A quick note to the writers: This kind of thing doesn’t usually happen because of “The Stockholm Syndrome,” if this was a sex trafficking operation. It’s usually because their captors get them hooked on drugs, so these bitches physically can’t leave. So… Keep that in mind for next time.

ANYWHO.

The next “Chapter” of this annual centres on Karen, as she writes in her diary about a huge mistake that she’s made. She recently snuck away to go to a bar in New York City, specifically, to be able to blend in so that she could practice flirting with guys.

Who wrote this drivel?

Who wrote this drivel?

She finally meets the right guy and they hit it off. Their conversation flows perfectly, they’re mutually attracted to each other, and they feel like they can open up to each other. The guy, “Ken,” reveals that he’s only in town for the duration of a “Worldgov” conference and will be going home the next day. She in turn, is about to tell him some big secret (gee, I wonder what it could be), when– .

Saved by the BOOM.

Saved by the BOOM.

She suits up, Kal’s “Secret Weapon” policy be damned, and rushes off to help. She saves who she can, she catches giant chunks of rubble from mid-air, she sees a woman fleeing the scene, but it too busy rescuing bitches to catch her, but shit keeps exploding, even as she accelerates. Ken rushes into the bathroom where he had told her to hide, but another explosion rocks the building. She calls out to him, saying that he shouldn’t go in, she’s not inside, but she is too late.

And, of course, cue the same old fucking "Crisis on Infinite Earths" Pietà that DC loves to reuse.

And, of course, cue the same old fucking “Crisis on Infinite Earths” Pietà that DC loves to reuse.

So, the thing that Karen is writing about in her diary is the fact that her disobeying Kal’s orders resulted in this boy dying. Hardly seems trivial. So, her current attitude of rowdiness and recklessness means… That she doesn’t learn lessons. Huh.

End Chapter Two.

Chapter Three is the final part, called “Three of a Kind?” with the Question Mark and everything. It looks like Karen went immediately over to her bestie, Helena, after Ken’s death. Karen laments his death, but the wording is kind of awful. More like she got dumped by a douchebag than a person losing his life.

See what I mean?

See what I mean?

So, Karen mentions the escapee and Helena latches right on to it, shifting into detective mode. Apparently, the culprit stood out… Because she was a Super. The two of them head back towards the scene, this time in costume.  And even though Karen’s still supposed to be keeping it on the down low.

Okay, so seriously. Bitch don't learn no lessons.

Okay, so seriously. Bitch don’t learn no lessons.

On the next page, we see Batman and Superman discussing the girls’ attitudes, and the impending arrival and subsequent attack of Apokolips. AND They have this fucking conversation is front of a large, open window, because, apparently, windows aren’t actually see-through on Earth 2. I mean, really, first the brothel, now fucking BATMAN?

And maybe a nod to the pre New 52 Kara spending time on Themyscira with the Amazons?

And maybe a nod to the pre New 52 Kara spending time on Themyscira with the Amazons?

Back at the scene of the blast, Karen uses her microscopic and different frequencies of vision to examine bits of tech and trace amounts of energy left in the area. They deduce that it’s not native to Earth, and that bits of it may very well be Apokolips technology in origin but, before they can reach any sort of conclusion, they are attacked.

And, seriously, I love Robin's "HO, FUCK, THAT WAS ALMOST ME" expression here.

And, seriously, I love Robin’s “HO, FUCK, THAT WAS ALMOST ME” expression here.

The two battle and they seem to be a pretty even match, but the collateral damage of their fight leaves Robin under some rubble, and so Karen goes to save her. The mystery bitch escapes in the meantime.

Because, really.

Because, really.

We go back to the Batcave for a moment. Basically, Batman knows who the bomber was and was worried about her complicating matters.

So, the kids go on ahead and trace the villain by a radioactive signature, which is probably not a good idea for Robin, both because of her vulnerability and her VULNERABILITY.

AGAIN.

AGAIN.

Karen takes a swing at the exact moment that Robin chucks an anti-Parademon grenade at the villain, now called “Fury” (hello, again, ties to Apokolips?) but the former is stopped from finishing her off by the appearance of Wonder Woman.

Who, on the next page, Supergirl promptly takes a swing at.

Who, on the next page, Supergirl promptly takes a swing at.

While they fight, Fury escapes via poorly rendered BOOM Tube.

Because that's what happens EVERY SINGLE TIME THE HEROES FIGHT EACH OTHER. WHY DOES NO ONE LEARN THINGS?

Because that’s what happens EVERY SINGLE TIME THE HEROES FIGHT EACH OTHER. WHY DOES NO ONE LEARN THINGS?

Also, there’s no real reason to include this next panel except that it really and truly bothers me.

Hades' Realm?! IT'S CALLED HADES. Oh, you ignorant mother-fuckers...

Hades’ Realm?! IT’S CALLED HADES. Oh, you ignorant mother-fuckers…

Robin comes back to the still squared-off Supergirl and Wonder Woman, saying that Fury escaped through a portal, like a hole in the universe. Wonder Woman immediately asks if the killer is alright. When Robin asks why she should care, Wonder Woman reveals…

Maury Povich, eat your heart out.

Maury Povich, eat your heart out.

So… Okay. Looks like we get a little bit of a look into the characters before the events of the Earth 2 comic book series, but I don’t think that it really amounted to much. I mean, we didn’t really learn anything new about the girls or their relationships to their father figures. Mostly, it seemed like a set-up to bring in another villain (Fury) down the road.

And, ultimately, I suppose that this issue is supposed to lead us further into the next story arc, the one that I’ve been looking forward to, where the girls finally meet face to face with the Superman and Batman of Earth Prime.

Let’s hope it comes out awesome.

Because I’m dropping some books. But, more on that next time.

Deuces.

 

 

Comic Review – Batgirl #27: What the Fuck is “Gothtopia?!”

Okay. So.

This.

A domino mask. Because the genetically recessive red hair wasn't enough of a clue to your secret identity already.

A domino mask. Because the genetically recessive red hair wasn’t enough of a clue to your secret identity already.

I don’t know what “Gothtopia” is. I’m going to figure it out by the end of this review, but for now, dear readers, realize that I’m going into this issue with zero idea of what in the world is going on in here. As always, I review the comic as I read through it on the first time, then summarize shit once I’ve taken a sec to gather my thoughts and form my oh, so many opinions.

Let’s explore my ignorance together, shall we? Let’s begin.

The comic opens with Babs narrating the morning routine of Angela Ramirez, a woman with family and a good job, managing the Joker Brand Ice Cream Company.

I can't decide whether my nerdiness would make me try this brand or my sense of self preservation would not ever let me.

I can’t decide whether my nerdiness would make me try this brand or my sense of self preservation would not ever let me.

Apparently, Gotham City is the safest, the nicest, the friendliest city in ‘Murica, and even the weather is a balmy 90 degrees and sunny in February! Everyone is happy in Gotham. Everyone smiles. But Ms. Ramirez has started having nightmares. And she’s not smiling any more.

Cut to the Gordon household, where a cheerful Barbara wakes to her dad making breakfast, and the promise of bacon as she scrambles for clean pants.

How I envy her life.

How I envy her life.

She muses on the love she has for her family. Her mother is still around. Her dad is carefree. Her brother, James Jr., is a volunteer at a soup kitchen. And her cat is fat as fuck. There’s your first, second, and third warning bells right there.

And the fact that Ricky is her boyfriend and not a certain Mr. Dick Grayson is proof that this universe is imperfect in and of itself.

And the fact that Ricky is her boyfriend and not a certain Mr. Dick Grayson is proof that this universe is imperfect in and of itself.

And in this perfect, crime-free Gotham? She’s still Batgirl for some reason.

…Okay. I’mma wait.

And her partner is crime-stopping is… Charise Carnes. Fucking Knightfall. But here, she’s “Daybreak.”

I can, however, get behind the fact that there plans have been hijacked by the sound of the ice cream man driving by.

I can, however, get behind the fact that there plans have been hijacked by the sound of the ice cream man driving by.

Back at the Ice Cream factory, Ms. Ramirez tells Steve Urkel an underling named Leo that she’s started scheduling surprise inspections of the flavouring vats. Anybody else’s ears perk up at the mention of “vats” at the “Joker” Ice Cream factory?

On the roof above the ice cream truck, Babs, who has only been referred to so far as “Bluebell” (and isn’t that an ice cream brand itself and WHY is there still a bat on her chest, then?) refuses to buy ice cream. This appears to be due to the fear of clowns. HA!

Meanwhile, Ramirez is now making changes to the trucks' radios. So... Suspicious, much?

Meanwhile, Ramirez is now making changes to the trucks’ radios. So… Suspicious, much?

Right after that little meeting, a bus full of children from Gotham Elementary (How can there be only the one elementary school?!) arrives, making me really nervous all of a sudden.

This, too, makes me concerned. Even if there's nothing truly nefarious going on, I will forever liken tours of eccentric confectioneries to the Wonka Factory tour and, well, we all know what happened there...

This, too, makes me concerned. Even if there’s nothing truly nefarious going on, I will forever liken tours of eccentric confectioneries to the Wonka Factory tour and, well, we all know what happened there…

And then this happens.

And we also see Daybreak/Knightfall having some kind of muted traumatic flashback.

And we also see Daybreak/Knightfall having some kind of muted traumatic flashback.

The trucks can’t be called back because all of the radios are down. Somehow, even the cellular phones aren’t working. So, Barbara tells Daybreak to “make the call” and steals one of the poisoned people’s motorcycles, tailing an ice cream truck that’s just made its way into a public park. She slaps a dude’s ice cream out of his hand, and he, naturally, takes a swing at her head.

I don't really blame him. Neither does Babs. LEGIT.

I don’t really blame him. Neither does Babs. LEGIT.

Urkell is telling Ramirez about the poisoned ice cream, saying that they can’t give any of it to the kids, of course. Ramirez responds by donning a clown mask, hoisting a pistol, and assuring him that nothing bad could ever happen in Gotham.

Despite all of the horrible things happening, I still kind of want to applaud the Joker for his commitment to diversity in the workplace, though!

Despite all of the horrible things happening, I still kind of want to applaud the Joker for his commitment to diversity in the workplace, though!

Naturally, she shoots Steve Urkell (Did I do that?). However, she promptly reassures the children, saying that they’ll be together forever, unlike the little girl she once had, and unlike her former husband. She tells them to call her Mother Mercy.

Awesome. That’s not creepy at all.

Babs and Charise arrive on the scene and the GCPD is there ahead of her. Detective McKenna wants her to go in on the DL and take the aggressor out, but Detective Bullock is also there, belittling her and saying that Mayor Cobblepot has given the order to use a sniper on the way.

Inside, Ramirez is traumatizing the children further by telling them her very tragic story wherein she was called in by the police to identify the smiling corpses of her husband and daughter. Despite their deaths, she says she was still happy, still smiling, just like all of Gotham. She questions this fact. She says that she wants to forget, but she can’t with the city plastered with the smiling Joker face logo. So, she’s gonna go all Heaven’s Gate on these kids and she and the kids will all eat ice cream and stay together, smiling forever.

Outside, Daybreak offers Babs a distraction in the form of blowing up Bullock’s car.

Passive aggressive? Or I guess this would be more actually, active aggressive.

Passive aggressive? Or I guess this would be more actually, active aggressive.

The sniper is still on the roof. It’s not much of a distraction as Barbara sails over  ALL of the police, who are all looking directly at her, some even pointing in case you inexplicably missed her.

But Bullock got fucked so...

But Bullock got fucked so…

Right before Ramirez forces the first kid to eat, Barbara bursts in, elbowing this woman who put so much thought into her plan but apparently never learned how to use that fucking gun in the FACE.

Look, sometimes, it's like that.

Look, sometimes, it’s like that.

The “very bad day” making her a raving, mass-murdering psychopath reminds me of “The Killing Joke.”

OCD is a dangerous thing.

OCD is a dangerous thing.

…And then it reminds Barbara, too. And Ramirez sees that she’s not the only person who remembers another life, another truth.

And now I'm getting flashbacks to "Emperor Joker." Which I loved.

And now I’m getting flashbacks to “Emperor Joker.” Which I loved.

While the Barbara has a mini panic attack, the sniper makes his move. Ramirez is struck in the solar plexus, not the heart or the head so this sniper should be FIRED, but it gives her enough time to give us some last words about her family and some other such bullshit… Trying to make me feel feelings, DC?!?!?! Better publishers than you have tried.

Barbara clings to the fact that the kids are safe. She wants to forget this day. She plans to. She even says, that if this is her waking up…

Remember earlier? When she didn't even want to wake up until the lure of bacon brought her out of her bed and into her pants?

Remember earlier? When she didn’t even want to wake up until the lure of bacon brought her out of her bed and into her pants? Huh? Do ya?

How very un-Barbara-like. To dismiss reality. To delude herself.

So, as if we didn’t know that it would be already, this “Gothtopia” is a problem. And, as I mentioned “Emperor Joker” earlier and DC is really out of ideas, I’m willing to wager that the whole thing is some kind of illusion-y thing. The Joker is probably behind it all, but that might be a red herring because DC likes to pretend that they’re clever.  And while I do like Gail Simone on Batgirl (and I liked her Wonder Woman run, too, but that’s a whole other story), I also read “Leaving Megalopolis,” her recent independently published trade, and it fell really flat. So… Obviously, I’m going to give it a try. I’ll try to pick up the Detective Comics and other Bat-books tie-ins (DAMMIT.) and I’ll summarize shit you the rest of you nerds.

The issue, overall, was entertaining. But one thing is still bothering me, and is completely unconscionable even before the rest of the story unfolds…

bg27-picardwhythefuck

REALLY. WHY.

See you next time, kids! And remember: Don’t drink the Kool-Aid!

New 52 Review – Supergirl #26

Aloha, everybody!

We’ll start this week’s reviews with Supergirl #26 and the introduction of the New 52 version of that crazy Czarnian Lobo!

Glowing face thingies? What is this even?

Glowing face thingies? What is this even?

The issue opens with the newly Wolverine’d Lobo. That is, a character who used to be burly and squat yet massive, snarling and grotesque and truly formidable, is now a slimmer, cleaner cut, practical male model. I’m not outright complaining, but I do think that maintaining a little bit of variety wouldn’t have killed DC. Actually, at this point, that would explain the majority of the New 52, but I digress. Good looking Lobo is on the hunt for an imposter, apparently the old crass Lobo we knew and loved to hate way back in the day.

Bitches just open fire? Really? 'Cause I've been to strip clubs, and I can't see any of those bitches straight up murdering the dude that pays 'em...

Bitches just open fire? Really? ‘Cause I’ve been to strip clubs, and I can’t see any of those bitches straight up murdering the dude that pays ’em…

His intimidation and outsourced murder of a nightclub owner gets him nowehere, though, so he contacts an alien named Rhialla to ask about his sources…

rihanna

I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

Deep below the surface of the Earth, in a super high tech research facility called “The Block,” a massive particle accelerator is halted in the middle of an experiment which makes very little physical sense if one goes by the dialogue of tertiary characters in the scene… The interruption, though? The arrival of one Kara Zor-El, needing desperately to speak to Shay Veritas, the ridiculously named scientist (because Veritas means Truth and scientists are always searching for Truth and la-dee-fucking-da) introduced in Superman to give him a place to bro out at the gym every once in a while.

'Roid Rage will do it every time.

‘Roid Rage will do it every time.

Basically, it’s Star Labs back when he was buddies with Emil Hamilton and I don’t understand why we just couldn’t have Star Labs and Emil Hamilton…

OMG, personal space, much?!

OMG, personal space, much?!

Anywho, check out the above panel. Ugh, amiright? I mean, Jeebus, Kara, maybe stop being so clingy and you might make a friend. For that matter, don’t ditch your only friend on Earth for weeks and then be hurt when a girl you didn’t even know all that well moves on. Oh, and maybe change out of those clothes that you’ve been wearing NON-STOP since you’ve ARRIVED on the PLANET. You canNOT still smell even remotely decent. I don’t even care if you’ve been in the ocean… No. Wait. You’ve been in the OCEAN. You smell like BO and FISH.

Really…

So, their heart-to-heart is interrupted by a call, which Shay takes without even excusing herself because she’s so relieved to be out of that crazy child’s super-grip. Rhialla and his high collar are warning her that an assassin named Lobo is on his way to whup some information out of her. Kara says that she’s going to try talking to him, you know, “extinct alien to extinct alien.” Y’know, like she never just rushes into conflicts fist first…

As Lobo arrives at the transporter (which I won’t get started on my whole thing with how transporters are terrible) to The Block, Kara zaps in front of him with a “Stop Right There!”

"Stop Right There!"

“Stop Right There!”

He takes a photo of her boobs with his smartphone or something and Kara flies towards him, coming of waaaay too strong and trying to relate to him on the basis of their planets have both gone kablooey (and to be fair, her cousin’s relationship with Wonder Woman is based on less, so it was worth a shot, I guess), but he shushes her with a single, extremely manicured fingernail.

I didn't realise that Lobo was this fabulous!

I didn’t realise that Lobo was this fabulous!

He launches an attack at her– ! Actually, he throws a net. Some “assassin.” She EASILY breaks free because “duh” and slams into him at super speed, sending them both outside of The Block’s arctic cave entrance. Understandably upset, he kicks her in the head and she, shouting about how she’s on her period or something (yeah, I said it) hauls off and knocks his metaphorical block off.

 Remember that time I said she never gets too punchy? Like, a couple of paragraphs ago? I lied.


Remember that time I said she never gets too punchy? Like, a couple of paragraphs ago? I lied.

As she flies to catch up to where she knocked his whole fucking body by just his head, she sees him sprawled in the snow, neck twisted at an angle that looks… Pretty bad. Kara’s all choked up now because she thinks she’s killed him. However, as we know in comics, nobody ever really dies. You’d think that they’d have at least cottoned off enough by now themselves to poke their victims with a stick or something before writing them off completely, but then that would show a recognition of continuity and possible character growth and we can’t have that (any more). Le sigh.

I just-- I really-- I DON'T AT ALL.

I just– I really– I DON’T AT ALL.

Now, we all know that Lobo isn’t dead. Or, if this one is, it was a decoy. Or, if this one is, then he was the impostor. Either way, we’ve still got more Lobo incoming. As for this issue, I really still dislike Kara’s characterisation. I mean, it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t great, it certainly wasn’t a thinker, and that’s really all that I’ve got to say on it. She’s either hotheaded and ridiculous or mopey and ridiculous, and I’m not having either combination for too much longer. I’m fairly certain that the Red Lanterns crossover in a few months’ time is going to be a temporary thing which is going to at least try and set Kara back on more of a heroic path blah blah blah… But I really just don’t trust the editorial staff at DC to allow any positive changes to their characters to really stick for too terribly long.

Oh, wait. THIS is the cover for Supergirl #29 in March?!

Oh, wait. THIS is the cover for Supergirl #29 in March?!

Okay.

I’ll see you all in a day or two for another lovely comic review.

Peace out.

 

 

Comic Review – Superman / Wonder Woman #3

Train-wreck time! This fuckin’ book, I swear…

On the first page, Cat Grant receives a manila envelope with a USB drive inside. Whatever she sees is supposedly “Whoa”-worthy. But that’s all that we’re going to see about that…

Cut to the moon, specifically its dark side, where Superman is supersulking because now he’s too powerful (oh, boo-fucking-hoo) and he can’t let Diana see him like this!

Um, yeah, Clark, moping is kind of a boner killer.

Um, yeah, Clark, moping is kind of a boner killer.

Lucky for him, Bruce is at the Watchtower, comms on and all, ready to bro out with his homie. Batman reassures him, telling him that the reason they’re such best buds is because Clark was raised human, so he’s still that “dumb farmboy,” and that that’s probably why he’s freaking out about his relationship with Diana, since she’s been a super special princess since birth…

sww03-batadvice

Which seems like kind of a passive aggressive moment from a fucking billionaire who I’m sure has dated lots of spoiled rich girls…

Meanwhile, Diana is out shopping with the VERY unfortunately named Hessia (her name means poo in Greek, and they’re fucking AMAZONS AND THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER. DC YOU OFFICIALLY NEED MY APPROVAL BEFORE DOING THINGS. ALL THINGS). She’s asking for girlfriendy advice on what to get her boyfriend for their first Christmas together. Her friend whose name I refuse to repeat because of ALL of the reasons suggests that the gift needs to be thoughtful, not flashy, and it needs to show him that she knows who is really is.

"Do you know who he is?" See? Even this bitch is questioning their relationship.

“Do you know who he is?” See? Even this bitch is questioning their relationship.

Bruce alerts Clark of some bidness developing in North Africa (because being specific would be RIDICULOUS), and the Man of Steel is off. We see Zod where he was last issue, covered in blood and surrounded by the mangled bodies of a slew of unfortunate brown people, just caught in his crazy ass way. One of the men is still alive and able to say “Min Fadlak,” which is “Please” or “If you please” in Arabic, so Zod naturally comes to the conclusion that stomping this man’s face into an unrecognizable slurry is the appropriate response.

Seriously, these poor dudes.

Seriously, these poor dudes.

Zod unreasonably quickly learns to fly and heads for the nearest populated area, only to be intercepted by the Martian Manhunter. J’onn asks if he needs help, and Zod, ever friendly, decides to sock him in the face.

Like, a lot.

Like, a lot.

Manhunter isn’t alone, though, and Hawkman, Steve Trevor, and some dude named Vibe are all there for whatever reason. But all of their fighting and all of Zod’s “Rhar” sounds don’t matter, because Diana and Clark show up to restrain Zod anyways. Because it’s THEY’RE book, dammit. The various group members argue over who gets custody of the threat. Dianna claims him as her prisoner since she was able to tie him up with the magic lasso and they end up putting him in Clark’s care because Superman doesn’t trust Earth, New 52 style… Steve tries to play the ex card, but she tells him it’s nothing personal and the two fly away to the Fortress of Solitude because it’s TOTALLY personal if she’s gonna tell them Zod’s her prisoner and then she’s going to just hand him over to Clark.

Steve... Superman is RIGHT there.

Steve… Superman is RIGHT there.

During this time, Zod apologizes for his actions, speaking perfect English because I guess they get cable in the Phantom Zone. He also tempts Clark with the fact that he knew Jor-El… So Clark locks him in his menagerie.

But, hey, at least there's a couch and a room divider. I'm sure that'll keep Zod from going crazy and murdering EVERYONE...

But, hey, at least there’s a couch and a room divider. I’m sure that’ll keep Zod from going crazy and murdering EVERYONE…

Content to leave their captive unsupervised like so many Bond villains before them, Diana and Clark saunter out and she’s just itching to give him his Christmas present early, saying they’re probably not going to have another perfect moment like locking a dude in a glass box.

sww03-itstime

So, first of all, you KNOW the JLA is keeping those comms open and sitting in the WatchTower with a bucket of popcorn and a Big Gulp.

sww03-merrychristmas

Second, gag.

So, Diana’s idea for a Christmas gift is yuletide sex, but… Shouldn’t that be a given? On holidays and birthdays? Greek bitch is just being cheap about it. But before they can get past a little bit of tongue, they are interrupted by the scourge of Super-Hearing.

Look at his POUT! Jeez...

Look at his POUT! Jeez…

This is probably what Cat saw on that first page. She likely uploaded it herself to her clarkcatropolis.com monstrosity of a domain. Why this would stop them mid-make-out doesn’t make any sense to me… It’s like, hey, no crime-stopping? Awesome. But, oh, people know we’re together, so now we should stop even though there’s nothing we can do about it. Actually, why were they even keeping it a secret? Y’know what this reminds me of..?

"Mopeds are fun but you don't want your friends to see you riding one."

“Mopeds are fun but you don’t want your friends to see you riding one.”

Although who the fuck would call Wonder Woman a moped is beyond me… Actually, considering how douchey this incarnation of Superman is, he’s probably the one you’d be embarrassed to be seen with. Like, “I know he’s dumb, but he’s so good looking,” and your friends just can’t get past how shallow you are… Meanwhile, Diana’s friend’s advice of “give him a gift that shows you know who he is inside” culminates in her being like, “Sex ’cause you’re a dude end of story.” So, a lot of that lack of depth going around…

Ahem.

Even though I take exception to DC calling Clark and Diana “Our Super-Couple,” (they ain’t MINE) I do love that they’re going to have an unhappy New Years because they’re creating their own White People Problems. Seems about right for them considering how ridiculous they’re being.

This fucking series, I swear to Bob… So, what’s the more imminent threat here? A superpowered escapee from the Phantom Zone, which you know is the place they send the most vile of Kryptonian offenders, or your super celebrity relationship coming out on TMZ? Doing the covers of magazines and shit…

Although, to be be fair, I would totally read this magazine...

Although, to be be fair, I would totally read this magazine…

Le sigh. I can’t even with this.

See y’all for a review of their Crappy New Years!

 

 

Comic Review – Batgirl #26

This issue wraps up the “Batgirl: Wanted” arc. Going in, I was anxious, hoping that Commissioner Gordon would finally find out his daughter’s secret. The mixture of emotions should be powerful, between pride and anger and confusion and sorrow, since his daughter was a hero to all of Gotham… At least until she seemingly killed James Gordon Jr. Of course, in comics, we know that a body unrecovered is a character still alive, but I digress…

The minions of Bitchface McGee Knightfall are still mid-murder of Commissioner Gordon. They’ve got Meta-Humans in their ranks and Grotesque has a pair of bolt cutters hovering around Jim’s pinky finger. But just as they’re about to start a-choppin’, Batgirl bursts through the front window on her motor cycle.

bg026-01

bg026-01
Severe property damage. Because your Dad wasn’t mad enough at you for killing your brother…

Babs crashes her bike into Bonebreaker, chucks some Batarangs at Gretel, and makes to escape with the Commish, when this Mirror shows up, claiming that they’re “on the list” because they’ve “both cheated death.” Whatevs. Batgirl chucks another Batarang at his face (because she didn’t learn a lesson the last time she threw a Batarang at some bitch), knocking him off kilter and giving her and Gordon Sr. the time they need to literally trap themselves in the fucking basement. While they, argue, though, Bonebreaker calls Knightfall to tattle on Batgirl…

Those are the bloodiest Batarangs ever. Bitch might have Hep C. You don't know...

Those are the bloodiest Batarangs ever. Bitch might have Hep C. You don’t know…

This is actually a pretty good idea. Too bad it doesn’t seem likely to happen, especially as Knightfall tells the terrifyingly named “Michael” to burn the whole house down with everyone (EVERYONE) inside if her thugs screw up the hit. Waiting in the lamest ambush ever, at the top of the stairs to the basement, Bonebreaker and the others try to coax Batgirl out of hiding, promising not to fight and to give her hugs and candies and a nice cup of hot cocoa, maybe a blanket while they just go on ahead and murder her father. She, of course, is not terribly fond of this idea.

bg026-03

Standard serious Bat-face, where all features disappear but them eyes just glow in the dark.

Batgirl is able to fight off the Knightfall minions by using their numbers and strength against them by fighting them in a tiny little hallway which didn’t look all that tiny when she and her dad walked through it a few pages earlier. Downstairs, the Commissioner takes out Michael as he tries to sneak in (BY TALKING LOUDLY ON HIS CELL PHONE) and start burning shit up.

bg026-04

How’s he gonna tell Knightfall anything if he’s knocked out, dumbass?

Gordon passes up his gun in favour of activating an adorable little small scale Bat Signal. Seeing that half of their crew is no loonger in fighting shape, plus given that Gotham PD and the Bat Family are all likely on their way, Bonebreaker and Company sluggishly pick themselves up and head out through that gaping hole that Babs put in the house, and… Batgirl just lets them go. Like, seriously, she actually just lets them walk away.

bg026-05

Psst… I think she likes you.

It is at this point, after the imminent threat has past, Jim Gordon pulls out his service pistol and points it at the back of her head. She challenges him as a police officer, saying that she acted the only way that she could, and he admits that he knew what kind of actual fucking psycho

bg026-06

And here comes the moment that I’ve been waiting for– !

MOTHER FUCKER.

MOTHER FUCKER.

Mother. FUCKER. She resigns herself to revealing her secret and he LOOKS AWAY. Not even catching shit in his peripherals. I mean, should I really be surprised? He hasn’t been able to identify his own daughter for years despite the fact that most of her face is actually visible, her distinguishing and highly recessive trait red hair has been showing for all of this time, and, y’know, he has actually met his daughter before… But I was really hoping that this was going to be the moment. An arc that spanned several issues, culminating in very little, especially as Ricky even survives his ordeal and wakes back up by the end of this issue.

I have completely forgotten how Barbara even ended up dating this dude, anyways...

I have completely forgotten how Barbara even ended up dating this dude, anyways…

Of course, none of this is the big reveal of this issue…

DUN Dun snoooooooz...

DUN Dun snoooooooz…

BIG FUCKING SURPRISE. Did I call it? Because, yes, I called the fuck out of it. In fact, the panel is so understated and the moment so fleeting, I’d think that writer Gail Simone just fucking expected us all to come to this conclusion readily.

Yes, James Gordon Jr. is back to be a psychopathic murderer another day, this time with an eyepatch! THIS is most likely why Jim Sr. couldn’t find out about his daughter’s secret identity right now; they’ve got to have more family drama to play up when James Jr. comes back into the light and they realize that he’s alive… Likely after he manipulates a bunch of crap in the shadows to ruin Jim Sr. and Barbara’s lives as much as possible in the meantime.

Next issue ties into “Gothtopia” and what the fuck is that?! Find out with us when I review Batgirl #27 in a month!

Thanks for reading!

Comic Review – World’s Finest #18

Alright, bitches, let’s try to do this thing more often…

wf018-cover

OMG The cover clearly states– ! Oh, wait, never mind. Nuclear Schmuclear.

Picking up from where last issue left off, Karen’s powers have gone haywire after an attempt to recharge her powers by chillin’ in front of the sun results in her being too charged up when her powers kick back in (because that’s what’s been happening this whole time and HOW COULD SHE THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA I THOUGHT YOUR WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SMART KAREN), and Helena’s solution is to tie PG’s ankles to a tug boat because her lack of leverage during flight (<- How do they catch airplanes when flying and shit, then?) will enable to boat to be strong enough to drag her down AND NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

WHY?! Why did you think this was a good idea?!?!

WHY?! Why did you think this was a good idea?!?!

The Tattooed Lady, who is referred to as “Tats” because, y’know, bad writing, is begging a servant of a demon statue guy named Xazdi to remove her powers so that she can become normal again, but he basically says, “Naw, bitch,” and it’s all the pep talk she needs!

 

It's kind of "Be careful what you wish for" but with more idiocy and self satisfaction.

It’s kind of “Be careful what you wish for” but with more idiocy and self satisfaction.

Back in some apartment in Manhattan, Helena and Karen muse on whether the people they lost on Earth 2 still live on as doppelgangers on this planet. Helena is dismissive of the notion, not too keen on opening herself up for fear of losing them again (and also because that’s why EVERYONE is closed off in fiction, nowadays) and Karen is still enamoured of the idea of not just their loved ones but also colleagues, teachers, even ex-boyfriends just living their lives, untouched by the horrors of Apokalips. Helena derails that train of through by reminding her that they still have to find the murderous Tits Tats. The friends place a friendly wager on who can find their villain first. Karen figures that super-speed and x-ray vision will do the trick, but Helena’s too lazy to put on pant and resorts to the Interwebs.

I don't think that's how Google StreetView works...

I don’t think that’s how Google StreetView works…

Hel finds her first and apparently fucking teleports to Brooklyn to catch Tats. She takes her down, ties her up, and then seems to forget that she’s dealing with a Meta-Human here as Tats is able to activate her, well, her Tats. She frees herself and runs to her demon statue and, when Helena rushes in after her, the statue comes to life (like ya do) and strangles Huntress. Luckily, Power Girl bursts in to save her, claiming that she never actually went to look for Tats, opting instead to follow Helena and cheat off of her work like the slow kid in middle school.

Boobs. Everywhere. As far as the eye can see.

Boobs. Everywhere. As far as the eye can see.

Karen ties the inky tattoos up but her powers fade right after she talks some shit. Her brilliant solution? Take Huntress’s crossbow and fire it at the creature’s heart which she assumes is going to be in the same place as a human’s… And… The demon blows up?!

Um.... Yeah, girl.

Um…. Yeah, girl.

The issue closes on the two of them eating a meal that Helena bought, despite the fact that she one their earlier wager, because… I dunno, because Karen is kind of a brat? The two discuss Karen’s powers situation and what they can do about it…

Ooh, subtle...

Ooh, subtle…

When “World’s Finest” first released, it was one of my favourite books. I really enjoyed how the two friends played off of each other, how we got to see glimpses of their lives back on Earth 2 (and their first Annual is coming out next month, featuring Supergirl and Robin of Earth 2, so that should be cool), how they’re acclimating to life on Earth Prime… But the excitement quickly fizzled as the storyline following Desaad kind of went nowhere, the Darkseid connection left hanging, and then spending issues following uninteresting and ultimately not terribly formidable adversaries. This “Tats” chick and her arc?

RHAAAAAR!

RHAAAAAR!

I just don’t care. Like, at all.

So, since next month starts the crossover between World’s Finest and Batman/Superman, I’m hoping to finally give a fuck again.

 

See you next week, True Believers.