Oh, hey. Lookey there. Something finally happens.
Hera’s still chilling at the winery where Dionysus and his soon-to-be-turned-into-pigs comrades were in the previous couple of issues, leisurely ordering from the menu.
Of course, the menu is more interesting than the ball of green glowing fire hurtling towards her. Understandable, really.
Since warning her would be ridiculous, the waiter dives out of the way while Hera is trying really hard to remember that she just wants, like, a Jack and Coke, of all things. And, of course again, the ball hits her.
Back in the woods, Hermes and Demeter are trying to keep on their hunt, since the Moon is a little bit OCD.
She feels a disturbance in the Force and just fucking knows that Apollo’s in danger or hurt or in some other Charles Barkley level of turrible trouble, so she asks Hermes to transport them to Olympus right away.
On the ship, one of the engines has been damaged by the explosion, and Zola is in there trying to rescue Dio… Who we actually don’t see at all in this entire issue.
So, yeah, Zola’s kind of bad at things. But it’s okay because Wonder Woman is holding the plane up!
But, as turns out, nobody is good at things, because Hermes gets them to Olympus just in time for Diana’s strength to crap out on her, sending the ship pretty much crashing down on top of them.
But, they are all on Olympus now… Or what’s left of it. And now everybody can be snarky to each other until they realize exactly what their current location means as far as, y’know, not dying goes.
NO! No. No. Look, I know that Greek mythology is just chock fucking full of incest, and that this was especially the case in the gods’ case, but I’m done with all of the incest in comics, movies, TV shows, and fucking fanfiction especially. I’m DONE.
But that’s a rant for another time.
Anywho, the hyena people start to flip the fuck out…
And nobody seems to have noticed that they’re standing on red, squishy, raw-meat-smelling ground. And cue the appearance of the First Born. I’ve got to say, he’s looked better.
Understandably, they’re not particularly keen on the idea of subservience to a monster, and Demeter in particular is pretty intent on that whole vengeance thing.
And I guess having no skin makes his veins weapons now, so he’s caught her and is sucking her energy away a la the Parasite.
Diana pulls a magic glowing bladed spear thingy out of… nowhere? And intend to also attack him head on.
And her attempts to be a baller don’t last very long, as she gets vein-drained.
And the monologue continues on, being way more painful than that whole imminent doom thing.
The First Born says that he’s learned something during his captivity, and that it’s that power, love, life, blah, everything ends eventually.
But, before he can up and end all of these assholes, the only person who is able to do any thing is the one person who’s been the most useless this whole, entire arc.
The return of Hera to power! Literally. Her display of mad power, which really shouldn’t be intimidating since Apollo’s power transferring over to Hera shouldn’t have amplified it and the First Born done walloped Apollo good, well, it makes the First Born book it.
They leave Olympus in the ruins is was already in, Apollo’s guts all over the place and everything, and head to who-knows-where, where nobody questions it because they assume that wherever it is, it’s gonna be safe, so fuck it.
They pop on over to Themyscira, it turns out, so that Diana’s pseudo step-mother can give her a gift.
The Amazons are back!
And I swear if this whole thing doesn’t feel like it just completely fell flat.
Like, “oh, hey, ladies, welcome back. I’ve nothing to say to you, despite the appearance in the comics so far that your petrification and the destruction of Paradise Island and I don’t even see my mom or any of my closest friends, but would you mind dying in throngs for me?”
And, Wonder Woman finally accepts her mantle, knowing that her denial has cost them until now. So, she’s not asking them as Princess…
So, whoopee, she’s a harbinger of doom, to take down a harbinger of doom.
And I still feel like nothing happened. Hera’s back to power, yes, and last issue saw Apollo dying to give her back that power, but this whole story is just creeping along so slowly that I really do find it hard to care about one of my favourite characters.
I’m hoping that something happens to get rid of this First Born dude sooner rather than later, because I need this crap to be done with.
We need a new story, or at least better pacing.
And for now, I’ll be keeping an eye out for a downward spiral of yet another DC character, since being the god of war is more than likely going to be a thing that affects her as a character, morals and all.
Plus this whole “dating Superman” thing isn’t helping.
Well, until next time.
So, you’ve all seen by now that I’ve dropped a few comics. Because they’re comics that I can’t stand. Why, then, have I kept this series on? Could it be that I’ve actually grown to like it?!
Not even a little bit. In fact, I hate it so much that I’m forcing myself to continue reading and review each issue through at least issue #6, maybe through #12, just to prove that I’m not being petty because I don’t/can’t ship Clark/Diana. Rather, I’ll stick with it to be certain that this is not a viable pairing (and so far it is SUPER not a good match), and to prove it to others that this shit needs to stop right now.
In fact, given that, let’s get on to the review.
Wonder Woman is on Paradise Island… Again. Because she done already went there, and talked to her fossilized mother, and then left again, all in her solo book. So, still not sure how this book ties into their own titles.
Anyways, Diana is visiting her decimated home specifically to apologize, but mostly to freely express what she views as a weakness. That is, her relationship with Clark.
Meanwhile, Clark is still battling Zod and his latest Phantom Zone escapee, Zod’s lover Faora, who is rabid and totally not here for these shenanigans.
Apparently, coming out of the Phantom Zone is like coming out of the Lazarus Pit, in that you come out batshit crazy until somebody can knock some sense into you. That somebody in this case? Zod. But, before he can deal with his girlfriend’s time of the month, he has to distract Clark. He does so quite effectively by freeing all of the creatures in the Fortress of Solitude’s zoo.
Back on Themiscyra, Diana discovers that the doors to the Underworld are… slightly askew. So, something must have escaped from hell… But I’m more stuck on how the entrance to hell is on Paradise Island.
While fighting the creature from the black lagoon, Clark loses track of Zod and Faora, so he enlists the help of his wingman, Batman. Why Batman, because Supes is in the dog house and Diana isn’t picking up her comm.
Of course, she may be a bit busy with that whole something-just-escaped-from-hell-and-now-I’ve-got-to-put-it-back-in-its-hole thing…
She binds the demon or whatever and stabs it right through the skull, tossing its carcass back into Tartarus, and then securing the doors with her lasso. Her fucking lasso. Magic motherfucking lasso of motherfucking truth.
Her lasso, you guys… Is now a super glowy doorstop.
Also, can I just say, “Good enough” should not be a phrase uttered when we’re talking about securing the portal through which the dead and demons can come through from the Underworld to our own? C’mon, bitch, put a little effort into it! Jeebus….
So, back on Keeping up with the Kryptonians, Zod is struggling with Faora and her bullshit, getting the shit kick right on out of him. So, as is always the case with true love, he slams into her and bashes her body into the side of a rock formation.
Luckily, and because that’s a thing that always happens in fiction, severe head trauma actually fixes the problem at hand. So, now that he’s managed to catch up to them, commence OPERATION: Team Up on Kal-El!
Shit’s not going so well for Clark, and they’re already learning all about their fun new powers on Earth. Cyborg finally gets in touch with Wonder Woman, who stops to take a second to get her boots back on, lest she look underdressed for a superhero.
Once properly accessorized for her first meeting with some other Kryptonians, she zips to the scene, just in time to save Clark from another round of ass whooping.
Also, does “He is MINE” totally not sound like she wants to be the one to beat his ass?
Zod mocks Diana before they fight. Big mistake.
Clark and Diana swap partners briefly (again, not in the way you’d hope), and Clark suggests bondage.
Clark, unfortunately, it turns out is a total vagina, getting caught by the throat and unable to free himself despite his arms being free, his super strength which should by all right surpass Zod’s because of his extensive exposure to Earth’s yellow sun, the fact that he also has heat vision, super breath that freezes shit and which Zod probably isn’t even aware of yet, the ability to kick Zod in his super nuts… Really, the list goes on and there’s no reason for this shit to drag on.
Diana threatens to kill Faora, and so the two call it quits and part ways as unlikely friends promise to kill each other at a later date, sometime more convenient for them all, Faora will call Diana and she’ll pencil her in for next month’s issue, etc.
So, in order to prolong this story, we have to let them go. Because you couldn’t just agree to let each partner go and then keep fighting right then and there. Or, it’s not like everybody there except for Clark comes from a military background and so was trained in ways which include how to deal with casualties or anything.
Now, the thing about this issue is that I didn’t really mind it. It was an alright read. However, that’s because they weren’t really together in this issue. They fought together. Hey, that’s great! I actually really like it when Superman and Wonder Woman team up! It’s the bee’s knees! BUT, I still do not like them together!
I just don’t see it. And this issue did nothing to alleviate my feelings of… “Ugh” for this pairing.
Come back next month, for more on this couple with next issue’s review.
In the meantime, for more on why none of the Fangirls are really here for this couple, along with several others, be sure to check out our podcast!