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New 52 Comic Review – “Wonder Woman” #29

Oh, hey. Lookey there. Something finally happens.

 

Hera’s still chilling at the winery where Dionysus and his soon-to-be-turned-into-pigs comrades were in the previous couple of issues, leisurely ordering from the menu.

It's like a disdain-off. WHO WILL WIN?

It’s like a disdain-off. WHO WILL WIN?

Of course, the menu is more interesting than the ball of green glowing fire hurtling towards her. Understandable, really.

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The waiter’s taking a dive? Terrible service.

Since warning her would be ridiculous, the waiter dives out of the way while Hera is trying really hard to remember that she just wants, like, a Jack and Coke, of all things. And, of course again, the ball hits her.

So, mystical energy is just radiation, or what?

So, mystical energy is just radiation, or what?

Back in the woods, Hermes and Demeter are trying to keep on their hunt, since the Moon is a little bit OCD.

And ADD.

And ADD.

She feels a disturbance in the Force and just fucking knows that Apollo’s in danger or hurt or in some other Charles Barkley level of turrible trouble, so she asks Hermes to transport them to Olympus right away.

On the ship, one of the engines has been damaged by the explosion, and Zola is in there trying to rescue Dio… Who we actually don’t see at all in this entire issue.

Bitch couldn't call a sitter?

Bitch couldn’t call a sitter?

So, yeah, Zola’s kind of bad at things. But it’s okay because Wonder Woman is holding the plane up!

But she's not doing too great a job, is she?

But she’s not doing too great a job, is she?

But, as turns out, nobody is good at things, because Hermes gets them to Olympus just in time for Diana’s strength to crap out on her, sending the ship pretty much crashing down on top of them.

By all rights, the issue should just end right there. Also, the series.

By all rights, the issue should just end right there. Also, the series.

But, they are all on Olympus now… Or what’s left of it. And now everybody can be snarky to each other until they realize exactly what their current location means as far as, y’know, not dying goes.

Oh, wait, I'm a liar. There's Dio.

Oh, wait, I’m a liar. There’s Dio.

NO! No. No. Look, I know that Greek mythology is just chock fucking full of incest, and that this was especially the case in the gods’ case, but I’m done with all of the incest in comics, movies, TV shows, and fucking fanfiction especially. I’m DONE.

But that’s a rant for another time.

Anywho, the hyena people start to flip the fuck out…

Yeah, bitch, you better hide.

Yeah, bitch, you better hide.

And nobody seems to have noticed that they’re standing on red, squishy, raw-meat-smelling ground. And cue the appearance of the First Born. I’ve got to say, he’s looked better.

He's looked worse.

He’s looked worse.

Understandably, they’re not particularly keen on the idea of subservience to a monster, and Demeter in particular is pretty intent on that whole vengeance thing.

But lunging at this motherfucker is a bad idea, as they all ought to have known by now.

But lunging at this motherfucker is a bad idea, as they all ought to have known by now.

And I guess having no skin makes his veins weapons now, so he’s caught her and is sucking her energy away a la the Parasite.

All while monologuing!

All while monologuing!

Diana pulls a magic glowing bladed spear thingy out of… nowhere? And intend to also attack him head on.

Because, no, really, everyone is bad at everything in this issue.

Because, no, really, everyone is bad at everything in this issue.

And her attempts to be a baller don’t last very long, as she gets vein-drained.

Because nobody learns lessons any more.

Because nobody learns lessons any more.

And the monologue continues on, being way more painful than that whole imminent doom thing.

Stop antagonizing him!

Stop antagonizing him!

The First Born says that he’s learned something during his captivity, and that it’s that power, love, life, blah, everything ends eventually.

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A.) I’m not even sure that that make sense. Take a physics class, mother fucker. B.) That’s icky.

But, before he can up and end all of these assholes, the only person who is able to do any thing is the one person who’s been the most useless this whole, entire arc.

LIKE A BOSS.

LIKE A BOSS.

The return of Hera to power! Literally. Her display of mad power, which really shouldn’t be intimidating since Apollo’s power transferring over to Hera shouldn’t have amplified it and the First Born done walloped Apollo good, well, it makes the First Born book it.

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What a good sun (<-See what I did there?).

They leave Olympus in the ruins is was already in, Apollo’s guts all over the place and everything, and head to who-knows-where, where nobody questions it because they assume that wherever it is, it’s gonna be safe, so fuck it.

Nobody's gonna take baby Zeke out of the bjorn and check him over? See if he's alright and everything?

Nobody’s gonna take baby Zeke out of the bjorn and check him over? See if he’s alright and everything? No? Okay.

They pop on over to Themyscira, it turns out, so that Diana’s pseudo step-mother can give her a gift.

That's a lot of bitches to send head-first into being murdered by the First Born.

That’s a lot of bitches to send head-first into being murdered by the First Born.

The Amazons are back!

And I swear if this whole thing doesn’t feel like it just completely fell flat.

Like, “oh, hey, ladies, welcome back. I’ve nothing to say to you, despite the appearance in the comics so far that your petrification and the destruction of Paradise Island and I don’t even see my mom or any of my closest friends, but would you mind dying in throngs for me?”

https://i1.wp.com/gellertsc.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Zap-plan-of-attack.jpg

And, Wonder Woman finally accepts her mantle, knowing that her denial has cost them until now. So, she’s not asking them as Princess…

Blah.

Blah.

So, whoopee, she’s a harbinger of doom, to take down a harbinger of doom.

And I still feel like nothing happened. Hera’s back to power, yes, and last issue saw Apollo dying to give her back that power, but this whole story is just creeping along so slowly that I really do find it hard to care about one of my favourite characters.

I’m hoping that something happens to get rid of this First Born dude sooner rather than later, because I need this crap to be done with.

Honestly.

We need a new story, or at least better pacing.

And for now, I’ll be keeping an eye out for a downward spiral of yet another DC character, since being the god of war is more than likely going to be a thing that affects her as a character, morals and all.

Plus this whole “dating Superman” thing isn’t helping.

Gag.

Well, until next time.

 

 

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Comic Review – Wonder Woman #27

Or, as I like to call it, “Keeping Up with the Olympians!”

 

Opening up on Olympus, Apollo is still trying to extract a vow of allegiance out of the First Born via super crazy awesome torture practices. Apollo is… whipping FB. Which, let’s be real, if kind of a huge step backwards from, say, feasting on his organs as he’s strapped to a dinner table.

Or being eaten alive by maggots. Remember that time, guys? Haha, good times...

Or being eaten alive by maggots. Remember that time, guys? Haha, good times…

Naturally, his chains begin to crack at the coupling… Because it’s not like shit was made by, I dunno, Hephaestus or anything. Pshaw.

ANYWHO.

Diana is on Themyscira with Hermes, talking in very disjointed syntax about how she’s failed to protect doesn’t even trust her… So… I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Is it Zola? Because I thought that bitch trusted her. Her Mom? Since she’s sitting there, turned to stone in kind of a begging position, SUPER unbecoming of Hippolyta. She’d be more like, “Come at me, bro,” frozen in stone, standing tall, one hand beckoning her attacker forward, the other giving a “Na!” (<- The Greek equivalent of a middle finger.) But I guess I’ll never know because, y’know, bad writing.

Thanks, Azzarello.

Thanks, Azzarello.

 

Now… Okay, so hold on. I want to talk really quickly about the title of this issue. “The Unsettling Son.” Really, guys? Really? REALLY. Let’s take “Setting Sun” and make it “Unsetting” instead for no reason. Then let’s make “Sun” into “Son” because, y’know, the First Born. Then let’s make “Unsetting” into “Unsettling” because the First Born is a creepster, but now it’s a hugely mangled pun that’s terrible, but we still think we’re clever as all fuck, don’t we? Because that would be the motto of the New 52. “We’re completely unaware of our poor writing. In fact, we’re super proud of ourselves.” In fact, fellow Fangirl Kizerrezik pointed out to me that a whole shit-ton of their books have “DC Comics Proudly Presents” at the top of the title pages. Like they’re trying to convince themselves…

HO-kay. Now. Back to the actual contents of the issue.

Hermes assures Diana that they’ll find baby Zeke, and she reminds him that they’re looking for Zola, too. They zap back on over to Diana’s flat in London, where Hera is sitting on the floor in a corner of the living room that’s been conspicuously left empty… for Drama.

Seriously. Diana's half-brother or whatever he was... His head is still on the mantle, but they don't have any, like, bookshelves of shit for that whole wall?

Seriously. Diana’s half-brother or whatever he was… His head is still on the mantle, but they don’t have any, like, bookshelves of shit for that whole wall?

 

Hera tells them that she’s afraid to leave, afraid of being alone, afraid to die, and that she doesn’t know who to pray to. Diana picks her up and tells her to pray to the only person she can count on to actually help her; herself. Hera doubts herself and Diana realises that they’re going to need some help…

Does this actually tie in to Superman/Wonder Woman, I wonder? Do the rest of the DC Heroes see these mother fuckin' Olympians just chillin' all over the everywhere?

Does this actually tie in to Superman/Wonder Woman, I wonder? Do the rest of the DC Heroes see these mother fuckin’ Olympians just chillin’ all over the everywhere?

Cut to Provence, where Zola is déjeuner-ing with Dio. Zola is more than open to learning to live with the finer things, and Dio welcomes some guests after remarking that she reminds him of someone.

Really? Twitter transcends the earth and skies?C'mon, now.

Really? Twitter transcends the earth and skies? C’mon, now.

They’re going to go hunting for truffles. Or is that “truffles?” I dunno.

Somewhere over the Alps, Cassandra and her hoverthingy full of goons are still tracking the First Born. <- And I wrote that line before actually reading the page.

Thank you, Captain Exposition.

Thank you, Captain Exposition.

Despite her just having said to not go to Provence and that they need to get to Olympus instead, she redirects them towards the south of France when an energy similar to Dionysus’ shows up in London, and then another like it in Provence.

Diana travels to Siberia with a cape on and no pants to combat the cold and ask Snape’s patronus for a boon.

Bitch, it's SIBERIA. Like she WANTS to be there...

Bitch, it’s SIBERIA. Like she WANTS to be there…

Apparently, this broad is the Moon. And apparently, the Moon is an excellent hunter. And, I guess, Strife made it so that the gods can’t find baby Zeke.

And, it looks like, the Moon's about to get her ass kicked back to... Not... Siberia?

And, it looks like, the Moon’s about to get her ass kicked back to… Not… Siberia?

And then this shit happens.

Because why not?

Because why not?

Diana is beaten by the Moon bear. She submits, despite the Moon telling her that she must agree to a wish of the Moon’s which she will only know when the Moon decides to tell her…

And Diana looks awfully smug here, but I call BULLSHIT. You now owe a glowing god chick with antlers a favour which could be ANYTHING. ANYTHING!

And Diana looks awfully smug here, but I call BULLSHIT. You now owe a glowing god chick with antlers a favour which could be ANYTHING. ANYTHING!

Back on Olympus, Apollo is now using all of his glowy sun powers to give the First Born a helluva shvitz, pouring out water right in front of his face and being a huge dickbag even as he monologues on just how much it pains him to do this to his brother, blah, blah, blah, and how if he just swears allegiance, this shit will all be over with and they can play catch and bake cupcakes and shit. But then…

Spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert.

Now, back in the south of France for the last scene, where Dio’s guests are too hot on their truffle hunt and are drunk and starting to strip.

In the next panel, and still with baby Zeke strapped to her chest in a baby bjorn thingamabob, Zola asks, "Right-- For an orgy?"

In the next panel, and still with baby Zeke strapped to her chest in a baby bjorn thingamabob, Zola asks, “Right– For an orgy?”

And then THIS happens.

Circe style.

Circe style.

Zola, thank goodness, has the presence of mind to bolt (because, really, wouldn’t you?). Dio, however, almost seems shocked that she’d just up and ditch him. I mean, it’s not like she knew any of these people who’ve just been painfully and graphically transformed into pigs! And, actually, Dio looks more than a little concerned for her.

But she bolts anyways and comes out of the brush just in time to see Cassandra’s hoverthingy landing and her disembarking with her secret weapon…

Le sigh...

Le sigh…

An S&M MINOTAUR!!!

(Who needs a wax.)

Awesome.

So…

I feel like I should mention… I’m actually of Greek heritage. I know my mythology. And, in the case of this comic, and specifically in trying to enjoy this comic… That’s not necessarily a good thing. So, this whole thing with the Greek gods playing a major role in Wonder Woman’s story, and her being just another bastard child of Zeus… I’m very much mixed about it. On the one hand, it’s cool to see her heritage and the wealth of mythology being used. On the other, like, five hands, though, we have a Wonder Woman whose origin has been rewritten to make her fundamentally less feminist by virtue of her creation now being dependent on a man, misrepresentations of numerous ancient Greek dieties, shit that don’t make no sense with respect to their characters, the fact that they roam the earth but are either completely ineffectual or invisible or some shit, the fact that it’s getting old, and then… Shit. I forget what the fifth thing was. But, really. I’m just not feeling it.

I love Cliff Chang’s artwork. It’s very clean and very cool. You can always tell every character apart perfectly, and, yeah, they are all designed significantly different, fine. But Diana is drawn like… Like a real person! She’s not a stick-thin bitch. She’s not super bulky. She’s thick. Athletic. Realistic.

An Amazon.

And I appreciate that.

Brian Azzarello’s writing, though… I liked him better on Batman.

Bring back Gail Simone!

Or at least someone who writes Diana better. Hell, Peter David does excellent writing for strong women, and he’s always working in weird mystic shit into his story arcs. Let’s fix that broken bridge!

And let’s wrap this shit up already. I don’t think that this is a good enough story to have been following Zola since the first fucking issue. Or, go back and do something more with that whole “Wonder Woman is now the goddess of War” thing. That could actually be interesting!

Just… Well.

I guess I should be happy that she’s not handled as poorly as she is in Superman/Wonder Woman.