Train-wreck time! This fuckin’ book, I swear…
On the first page, Cat Grant receives a manila envelope with a USB drive inside. Whatever she sees is supposedly “Whoa”-worthy. But that’s all that we’re going to see about that…
Cut to the moon, specifically its dark side, where Superman is supersulking because now he’s too powerful (oh, boo-fucking-hoo) and he can’t let Diana see him like this!
Lucky for him, Bruce is at the Watchtower, comms on and all, ready to bro out with his homie. Batman reassures him, telling him that the reason they’re such best buds is because Clark was raised human, so he’s still that “dumb farmboy,” and that that’s probably why he’s freaking out about his relationship with Diana, since she’s been a super special princess since birth…
Meanwhile, Diana is out shopping with the VERY unfortunately named Hessia (her name means poo in Greek, and they’re fucking AMAZONS AND THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER. DC YOU OFFICIALLY NEED MY APPROVAL BEFORE DOING THINGS. ALL THINGS). She’s asking for girlfriendy advice on what to get her boyfriend for their first Christmas together. Her friend whose name I refuse to repeat because of ALL of the reasons suggests that the gift needs to be thoughtful, not flashy, and it needs to show him that she knows who is really is.
Bruce alerts Clark of some bidness developing in North Africa (because being specific would be RIDICULOUS), and the Man of Steel is off. We see Zod where he was last issue, covered in blood and surrounded by the mangled bodies of a slew of unfortunate brown people, just caught in his crazy ass way. One of the men is still alive and able to say “Min Fadlak,” which is “Please” or “If you please” in Arabic, so Zod naturally comes to the conclusion that stomping this man’s face into an unrecognizable slurry is the appropriate response.
Zod unreasonably quickly learns to fly and heads for the nearest populated area, only to be intercepted by the Martian Manhunter. J’onn asks if he needs help, and Zod, ever friendly, decides to sock him in the face.
Manhunter isn’t alone, though, and Hawkman, Steve Trevor, and some dude named Vibe are all there for whatever reason. But all of their fighting and all of Zod’s “Rhar” sounds don’t matter, because Diana and Clark show up to restrain Zod anyways. Because it’s THEY’RE book, dammit. The various group members argue over who gets custody of the threat. Dianna claims him as her prisoner since she was able to tie him up with the magic lasso and they end up putting him in Clark’s care because Superman doesn’t trust Earth, New 52 style… Steve tries to play the ex card, but she tells him it’s nothing personal and the two fly away to the Fortress of Solitude because it’s TOTALLY personal if she’s gonna tell them Zod’s her prisoner and then she’s going to just hand him over to Clark.
During this time, Zod apologizes for his actions, speaking perfect English because I guess they get cable in the Phantom Zone. He also tempts Clark with the fact that he knew Jor-El… So Clark locks him in his menagerie.
Content to leave their captive unsupervised like so many Bond villains before them, Diana and Clark saunter out and she’s just itching to give him his Christmas present early, saying they’re probably not going to have another perfect moment like locking a dude in a glass box.
So, Diana’s idea for a Christmas gift is yuletide sex, but… Shouldn’t that be a given? On holidays and birthdays? Greek bitch is just being cheap about it. But before they can get past a little bit of tongue, they are interrupted by the scourge of Super-Hearing.
This is probably what Cat saw on that first page. She likely uploaded it herself to her clarkcatropolis.com monstrosity of a domain. Why this would stop them mid-make-out doesn’t make any sense to me… It’s like, hey, no crime-stopping? Awesome. But, oh, people know we’re together, so now we should stop even though there’s nothing we can do about it. Actually, why were they even keeping it a secret? Y’know what this reminds me of..?
Although who the fuck would call Wonder Woman a moped is beyond me… Actually, considering how douchey this incarnation of Superman is, he’s probably the one you’d be embarrassed to be seen with. Like, “I know he’s dumb, but he’s so good looking,” and your friends just can’t get past how shallow you are… Meanwhile, Diana’s friend’s advice of “give him a gift that shows you know who he is inside” culminates in her being like, “Sex ’cause you’re a dude end of story.” So, a lot of that lack of depth going around…
Even though I take exception to DC calling Clark and Diana “Our Super-Couple,” (they ain’t MINE) I do love that they’re going to have an unhappy New Years because they’re creating their own White People Problems. Seems about right for them considering how ridiculous they’re being.
This fucking series, I swear to Bob… So, what’s the more imminent threat here? A superpowered escapee from the Phantom Zone, which you know is the place they send the most vile of Kryptonian offenders, or your super celebrity relationship coming out on TMZ? Doing the covers of magazines and shit…
Le sigh. I can’t even with this.
See y’all for a review of their Crappy New Years!