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New 52 Comic Review – “Superman/Wonder Woman #5

So, you’ve all seen by now that I’ve dropped a few comics. Because they’re comics that I can’t stand. Why, then, have I kept this series on? Could it be that I’ve actually grown to like it?!

Haha, no.

Not even a little bit. In fact, I hate it so much that I’m forcing myself to continue reading and review each issue through at least issue #6, maybe through #12, just to prove that I’m not being petty because I don’t/can’t ship Clark/Diana. Rather, I’ll stick with it to be certain that this is not a viable pairing (and so far it is SUPER not a good match), and to prove it to others that this shit needs to stop right now.

In fact, given that, let’s get on to the review.

Uh...Huh.

Uh…Huh.

Wonder Woman is on Paradise Island… Again. Because she done already went there, and talked to her fossilized mother, and then left again, all in her solo book. So, still not sure how this book ties into their own titles.

Anyways, Diana is visiting her decimated home specifically to apologize, but mostly to freely express what she views as a weakness. That is, her relationship with Clark.

And his Secret ID is apparently driving her bonkers.

And his Secret ID is apparently driving her bonkers.

Meanwhile, Clark is still battling Zod and his latest Phantom Zone escapee, Zod’s lover Faora, who is rabid and totally not here for these shenanigans.

But that bitch back in the Phantom Zone!

But that bitch back in the Phantom Zone!

Apparently, coming out of the Phantom Zone is like coming out of the Lazarus Pit, in that you come out batshit crazy until somebody can knock some sense into you. That somebody in this case? Zod. But, before he can deal with his girlfriend’s time of the month, he has to distract Clark. He does so quite effectively by freeing all of the creatures in the Fortress of Solitude’s zoo.

Although, really, he might want to rethink some of his pet options in here......

Although, really, he might want to rethink some of his pet options in here……

Back on Themiscyra, Diana discovers that the doors to the Underworld are… slightly askew. So, something must have escaped from hell… But I’m more stuck on how the entrance to hell is on Paradise Island.

Uhhh, no?

Uhhh, no?

While fighting the creature from the black lagoon, Clark loses track of Zod and Faora, so he enlists the help of his wingman, Batman. Why Batman, because Supes is in the dog house and Diana isn’t picking up her comm.

This is why Batman can't have superpowers. He would just slap people for the stupid shit they do. All day, every day.

This is why Batman can’t have superpowers. He would just slap people for the stupid shit they do. All day, every day.

Of course, she may be a bit busy with that whole something-just-escaped-from-hell-and-now-I’ve-got-to-put-it-back-in-its-hole thing…

He just looks happy to be outside.

He just looks happy to be outside.

She binds the demon or whatever and stabs it right through the skull, tossing its carcass back into Tartarus, and then securing the doors with her lasso. Her fucking lasso. Magic motherfucking lasso of motherfucking truth.

WHY? WHY WAS THIS YOUR ONLY OPTION?!!

WHY? WHY WAS THIS YOUR ONLY OPTION?!!

Her lasso, you guys… Is now a super glowy doorstop.

Also, can I just say, “Good enough” should not be a phrase uttered when we’re talking about securing the portal through which the dead and demons can come through from the Underworld to our own? C’mon, bitch, put a little effort into it! Jeebus….

Seriously, bro, is this broad even worth it at this point?

Seriously, bro, is this broad even worth it at this point?

So, back on Keeping up with the Kryptonians, Zod is struggling with Faora and her bullshit, getting the shit kick right on out of him. So, as is always the case with true love, he slams into her and bashes her body into the side of a rock formation.

Ah, l'amour.

Ah, l’amour.

Luckily, and because that’s a thing that always happens in fiction, severe head trauma actually fixes the problem at hand. So, now that he’s managed to catch up to them, commence OPERATION: Team Up on Kal-El!

Oh, this isn't the kind of "Double Team" you were hoping for, Clark...

Oh, this isn’t the kind of “Double Team” you were hoping for, Clark…

Shit’s not going so well for Clark, and they’re already learning all about their fun new powers on Earth. Cyborg finally gets in touch with Wonder Woman, who stops to take a second to get her boots back on, lest she look underdressed for a superhero.

...Your boots zipper up. Really????

…Your boots zipper up. Really????

Once properly accessorized for her first meeting with some other Kryptonians, she zips to the scene, just in time to save Clark from another round of ass whooping.

Wonder Woman learned a language?! Oh, BFD.

Wonder Woman learned a language?! Oh, BFD.

Also, does “He is MINE” totally not sound like she wants to be the one to beat his ass?

Zod mocks Diana before they fight. Big mistake.

I don't know why her sword is burning a bitch, but Faora's got to be pissed that Zod goaded her on earlier.

I don’t know why her sword is burning a bitch, but Faora’s got to be pissed that Zod goaded her on earlier.

Clark and Diana swap partners briefly (again, not in the way you’d hope), and Clark suggests bondage.

sww5-17

Again, was there nothing else you could have used?

Clark, unfortunately, it turns out is a total vagina, getting caught by the throat and unable to free himself despite his arms being free, his super strength which should by all right surpass Zod’s because of his extensive exposure to Earth’s yellow sun, the fact that he also has heat vision, super breath that freezes shit and which Zod probably isn’t even aware of yet, the ability to kick Zod in his super nuts… Really, the list goes on and there’s no reason for this shit to drag on.

Alas, we have reached an impasse. Might I suggest iocane powder.

Alas, we have reached an impasse. Might I suggest iocane powder?

Diana threatens to kill Faora, and so the two call it quits and part ways as unlikely friends promise to kill each other at a later date, sometime more convenient for them all, Faora will call Diana and she’ll pencil her in for next month’s issue, etc.

sww5-19

“Strategic Retreat” sure sounds like you lost to me.

So, in order to prolong this story, we have to let them go. Because you couldn’t just agree to let each partner go and then keep fighting right then and there. Or, it’s not like everybody there except for Clark comes from a military background and so was trained in ways which include how to deal with casualties or anything.

Now, the thing about this issue is that I didn’t really mind it. It was an alright read. However, that’s because they weren’t really together in this issue. They fought together. Hey, that’s great! I actually really like it when Superman and Wonder Woman team up! It’s the bee’s knees! BUT, I still do not like them together!

I just don’t see it. And this issue did nothing to alleviate my feelings of… “Ugh” for this pairing.

Come back next month, for more on this couple with next issue’s review.

In the meantime, for more on why none of the Fangirls are really here for this couple, along with several others, be sure to check out our podcast!

Later, nerds!

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Comic Review – Wonder Woman #27

Or, as I like to call it, “Keeping Up with the Olympians!”

 

Opening up on Olympus, Apollo is still trying to extract a vow of allegiance out of the First Born via super crazy awesome torture practices. Apollo is… whipping FB. Which, let’s be real, if kind of a huge step backwards from, say, feasting on his organs as he’s strapped to a dinner table.

Or being eaten alive by maggots. Remember that time, guys? Haha, good times...

Or being eaten alive by maggots. Remember that time, guys? Haha, good times…

Naturally, his chains begin to crack at the coupling… Because it’s not like shit was made by, I dunno, Hephaestus or anything. Pshaw.

ANYWHO.

Diana is on Themyscira with Hermes, talking in very disjointed syntax about how she’s failed to protect doesn’t even trust her… So… I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Is it Zola? Because I thought that bitch trusted her. Her Mom? Since she’s sitting there, turned to stone in kind of a begging position, SUPER unbecoming of Hippolyta. She’d be more like, “Come at me, bro,” frozen in stone, standing tall, one hand beckoning her attacker forward, the other giving a “Na!” (<- The Greek equivalent of a middle finger.) But I guess I’ll never know because, y’know, bad writing.

Thanks, Azzarello.

Thanks, Azzarello.

 

Now… Okay, so hold on. I want to talk really quickly about the title of this issue. “The Unsettling Son.” Really, guys? Really? REALLY. Let’s take “Setting Sun” and make it “Unsetting” instead for no reason. Then let’s make “Sun” into “Son” because, y’know, the First Born. Then let’s make “Unsetting” into “Unsettling” because the First Born is a creepster, but now it’s a hugely mangled pun that’s terrible, but we still think we’re clever as all fuck, don’t we? Because that would be the motto of the New 52. “We’re completely unaware of our poor writing. In fact, we’re super proud of ourselves.” In fact, fellow Fangirl Kizerrezik pointed out to me that a whole shit-ton of their books have “DC Comics Proudly Presents” at the top of the title pages. Like they’re trying to convince themselves…

HO-kay. Now. Back to the actual contents of the issue.

Hermes assures Diana that they’ll find baby Zeke, and she reminds him that they’re looking for Zola, too. They zap back on over to Diana’s flat in London, where Hera is sitting on the floor in a corner of the living room that’s been conspicuously left empty… for Drama.

Seriously. Diana's half-brother or whatever he was... His head is still on the mantle, but they don't have any, like, bookshelves of shit for that whole wall?

Seriously. Diana’s half-brother or whatever he was… His head is still on the mantle, but they don’t have any, like, bookshelves of shit for that whole wall?

 

Hera tells them that she’s afraid to leave, afraid of being alone, afraid to die, and that she doesn’t know who to pray to. Diana picks her up and tells her to pray to the only person she can count on to actually help her; herself. Hera doubts herself and Diana realises that they’re going to need some help…

Does this actually tie in to Superman/Wonder Woman, I wonder? Do the rest of the DC Heroes see these mother fuckin' Olympians just chillin' all over the everywhere?

Does this actually tie in to Superman/Wonder Woman, I wonder? Do the rest of the DC Heroes see these mother fuckin’ Olympians just chillin’ all over the everywhere?

Cut to Provence, where Zola is déjeuner-ing with Dio. Zola is more than open to learning to live with the finer things, and Dio welcomes some guests after remarking that she reminds him of someone.

Really? Twitter transcends the earth and skies?C'mon, now.

Really? Twitter transcends the earth and skies? C’mon, now.

They’re going to go hunting for truffles. Or is that “truffles?” I dunno.

Somewhere over the Alps, Cassandra and her hoverthingy full of goons are still tracking the First Born. <- And I wrote that line before actually reading the page.

Thank you, Captain Exposition.

Thank you, Captain Exposition.

Despite her just having said to not go to Provence and that they need to get to Olympus instead, she redirects them towards the south of France when an energy similar to Dionysus’ shows up in London, and then another like it in Provence.

Diana travels to Siberia with a cape on and no pants to combat the cold and ask Snape’s patronus for a boon.

Bitch, it's SIBERIA. Like she WANTS to be there...

Bitch, it’s SIBERIA. Like she WANTS to be there…

Apparently, this broad is the Moon. And apparently, the Moon is an excellent hunter. And, I guess, Strife made it so that the gods can’t find baby Zeke.

And, it looks like, the Moon's about to get her ass kicked back to... Not... Siberia?

And, it looks like, the Moon’s about to get her ass kicked back to… Not… Siberia?

And then this shit happens.

Because why not?

Because why not?

Diana is beaten by the Moon bear. She submits, despite the Moon telling her that she must agree to a wish of the Moon’s which she will only know when the Moon decides to tell her…

And Diana looks awfully smug here, but I call BULLSHIT. You now owe a glowing god chick with antlers a favour which could be ANYTHING. ANYTHING!

And Diana looks awfully smug here, but I call BULLSHIT. You now owe a glowing god chick with antlers a favour which could be ANYTHING. ANYTHING!

Back on Olympus, Apollo is now using all of his glowy sun powers to give the First Born a helluva shvitz, pouring out water right in front of his face and being a huge dickbag even as he monologues on just how much it pains him to do this to his brother, blah, blah, blah, and how if he just swears allegiance, this shit will all be over with and they can play catch and bake cupcakes and shit. But then…

Spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert.

Now, back in the south of France for the last scene, where Dio’s guests are too hot on their truffle hunt and are drunk and starting to strip.

In the next panel, and still with baby Zeke strapped to her chest in a baby bjorn thingamabob, Zola asks, "Right-- For an orgy?"

In the next panel, and still with baby Zeke strapped to her chest in a baby bjorn thingamabob, Zola asks, “Right– For an orgy?”

And then THIS happens.

Circe style.

Circe style.

Zola, thank goodness, has the presence of mind to bolt (because, really, wouldn’t you?). Dio, however, almost seems shocked that she’d just up and ditch him. I mean, it’s not like she knew any of these people who’ve just been painfully and graphically transformed into pigs! And, actually, Dio looks more than a little concerned for her.

But she bolts anyways and comes out of the brush just in time to see Cassandra’s hoverthingy landing and her disembarking with her secret weapon…

Le sigh...

Le sigh…

An S&M MINOTAUR!!!

(Who needs a wax.)

Awesome.

So…

I feel like I should mention… I’m actually of Greek heritage. I know my mythology. And, in the case of this comic, and specifically in trying to enjoy this comic… That’s not necessarily a good thing. So, this whole thing with the Greek gods playing a major role in Wonder Woman’s story, and her being just another bastard child of Zeus… I’m very much mixed about it. On the one hand, it’s cool to see her heritage and the wealth of mythology being used. On the other, like, five hands, though, we have a Wonder Woman whose origin has been rewritten to make her fundamentally less feminist by virtue of her creation now being dependent on a man, misrepresentations of numerous ancient Greek dieties, shit that don’t make no sense with respect to their characters, the fact that they roam the earth but are either completely ineffectual or invisible or some shit, the fact that it’s getting old, and then… Shit. I forget what the fifth thing was. But, really. I’m just not feeling it.

I love Cliff Chang’s artwork. It’s very clean and very cool. You can always tell every character apart perfectly, and, yeah, they are all designed significantly different, fine. But Diana is drawn like… Like a real person! She’s not a stick-thin bitch. She’s not super bulky. She’s thick. Athletic. Realistic.

An Amazon.

And I appreciate that.

Brian Azzarello’s writing, though… I liked him better on Batman.

Bring back Gail Simone!

Or at least someone who writes Diana better. Hell, Peter David does excellent writing for strong women, and he’s always working in weird mystic shit into his story arcs. Let’s fix that broken bridge!

And let’s wrap this shit up already. I don’t think that this is a good enough story to have been following Zola since the first fucking issue. Or, go back and do something more with that whole “Wonder Woman is now the goddess of War” thing. That could actually be interesting!

Just… Well.

I guess I should be happy that she’s not handled as poorly as she is in Superman/Wonder Woman.