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New 52 Comic Review – “Wonder Woman” #29

Oh, hey. Lookey there. Something finally happens.

 

Hera’s still chilling at the winery where Dionysus and his soon-to-be-turned-into-pigs comrades were in the previous couple of issues, leisurely ordering from the menu.

It's like a disdain-off. WHO WILL WIN?

It’s like a disdain-off. WHO WILL WIN?

Of course, the menu is more interesting than the ball of green glowing fire hurtling towards her. Understandable, really.

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The waiter’s taking a dive? Terrible service.

Since warning her would be ridiculous, the waiter dives out of the way while Hera is trying really hard to remember that she just wants, like, a Jack and Coke, of all things. And, of course again, the ball hits her.

So, mystical energy is just radiation, or what?

So, mystical energy is just radiation, or what?

Back in the woods, Hermes and Demeter are trying to keep on their hunt, since the Moon is a little bit OCD.

And ADD.

And ADD.

She feels a disturbance in the Force and just fucking knows that Apollo’s in danger or hurt or in some other Charles Barkley level of turrible trouble, so she asks Hermes to transport them to Olympus right away.

On the ship, one of the engines has been damaged by the explosion, and Zola is in there trying to rescue Dio… Who we actually don’t see at all in this entire issue.

Bitch couldn't call a sitter?

Bitch couldn’t call a sitter?

So, yeah, Zola’s kind of bad at things. But it’s okay because Wonder Woman is holding the plane up!

But she's not doing too great a job, is she?

But she’s not doing too great a job, is she?

But, as turns out, nobody is good at things, because Hermes gets them to Olympus just in time for Diana’s strength to crap out on her, sending the ship pretty much crashing down on top of them.

By all rights, the issue should just end right there. Also, the series.

By all rights, the issue should just end right there. Also, the series.

But, they are all on Olympus now… Or what’s left of it. And now everybody can be snarky to each other until they realize exactly what their current location means as far as, y’know, not dying goes.

Oh, wait, I'm a liar. There's Dio.

Oh, wait, I’m a liar. There’s Dio.

NO! No. No. Look, I know that Greek mythology is just chock fucking full of incest, and that this was especially the case in the gods’ case, but I’m done with all of the incest in comics, movies, TV shows, and fucking fanfiction especially. I’m DONE.

But that’s a rant for another time.

Anywho, the hyena people start to flip the fuck out…

Yeah, bitch, you better hide.

Yeah, bitch, you better hide.

And nobody seems to have noticed that they’re standing on red, squishy, raw-meat-smelling ground. And cue the appearance of the First Born. I’ve got to say, he’s looked better.

He's looked worse.

He’s looked worse.

Understandably, they’re not particularly keen on the idea of subservience to a monster, and Demeter in particular is pretty intent on that whole vengeance thing.

But lunging at this motherfucker is a bad idea, as they all ought to have known by now.

But lunging at this motherfucker is a bad idea, as they all ought to have known by now.

And I guess having no skin makes his veins weapons now, so he’s caught her and is sucking her energy away a la the Parasite.

All while monologuing!

All while monologuing!

Diana pulls a magic glowing bladed spear thingy out of… nowhere? And intend to also attack him head on.

Because, no, really, everyone is bad at everything in this issue.

Because, no, really, everyone is bad at everything in this issue.

And her attempts to be a baller don’t last very long, as she gets vein-drained.

Because nobody learns lessons any more.

Because nobody learns lessons any more.

And the monologue continues on, being way more painful than that whole imminent doom thing.

Stop antagonizing him!

Stop antagonizing him!

The First Born says that he’s learned something during his captivity, and that it’s that power, love, life, blah, everything ends eventually.

ww29-16

A.) I’m not even sure that that make sense. Take a physics class, mother fucker. B.) That’s icky.

But, before he can up and end all of these assholes, the only person who is able to do any thing is the one person who’s been the most useless this whole, entire arc.

LIKE A BOSS.

LIKE A BOSS.

The return of Hera to power! Literally. Her display of mad power, which really shouldn’t be intimidating since Apollo’s power transferring over to Hera shouldn’t have amplified it and the First Born done walloped Apollo good, well, it makes the First Born book it.

ww29-18

What a good sun (<-See what I did there?).

They leave Olympus in the ruins is was already in, Apollo’s guts all over the place and everything, and head to who-knows-where, where nobody questions it because they assume that wherever it is, it’s gonna be safe, so fuck it.

Nobody's gonna take baby Zeke out of the bjorn and check him over? See if he's alright and everything?

Nobody’s gonna take baby Zeke out of the bjorn and check him over? See if he’s alright and everything? No? Okay.

They pop on over to Themyscira, it turns out, so that Diana’s pseudo step-mother can give her a gift.

That's a lot of bitches to send head-first into being murdered by the First Born.

That’s a lot of bitches to send head-first into being murdered by the First Born.

The Amazons are back!

And I swear if this whole thing doesn’t feel like it just completely fell flat.

Like, “oh, hey, ladies, welcome back. I’ve nothing to say to you, despite the appearance in the comics so far that your petrification and the destruction of Paradise Island and I don’t even see my mom or any of my closest friends, but would you mind dying in throngs for me?”

https://i1.wp.com/gellertsc.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Zap-plan-of-attack.jpg

And, Wonder Woman finally accepts her mantle, knowing that her denial has cost them until now. So, she’s not asking them as Princess…

Blah.

Blah.

So, whoopee, she’s a harbinger of doom, to take down a harbinger of doom.

And I still feel like nothing happened. Hera’s back to power, yes, and last issue saw Apollo dying to give her back that power, but this whole story is just creeping along so slowly that I really do find it hard to care about one of my favourite characters.

I’m hoping that something happens to get rid of this First Born dude sooner rather than later, because I need this crap to be done with.

Honestly.

We need a new story, or at least better pacing.

And for now, I’ll be keeping an eye out for a downward spiral of yet another DC character, since being the god of war is more than likely going to be a thing that affects her as a character, morals and all.

Plus this whole “dating Superman” thing isn’t helping.

Gag.

Well, until next time.

 

 

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New 52 Comic Review – “Wonder Woman” #28

Last issue Zola went off with Dio (who I just figured out is supposed to be short for Dionysus), freaked out on him when he turned a bunch of normal humans into pigs right in front of her, Circe Style, and then ran into a Minotaur controlled by Cassandra.

So, let’s see where Wonder Woman is.

Well, she’s in the London Undergound, using Artemis (often referred to as “Moon” or “Hunter” in this issue and it’s driving me nuts) to track her.

Subtle as ever, 1/4 of the gods. Good job.

Subtle as ever, 1/4 of the gods. Good job.

 

Apollo keeps reminding Diana that she doesn’t trust Artemis, and she just lets him talk. They need her help. Also, like, five pages ago, he was on her shit list, so he really ought to calm his tits. Hera tosses him a barb. Diana refuses to let their shit get to her.

Seriously. She's such a C-word in Superman/Wonder Woman. Do the writers just not talker to each other, or..?

Seriously. She’s such a C-word in Superman/Wonder Woman. Do the writers just not talker to each other, or..?

 

Zola’s scent ends at the plastic chairs by the station, but Artemis picks up Dionysus’ and dismisses Diana’s concern that she may have gotten onto one of the trains. She says that Dionysus never takes public transportation, and she’ll just start following his trail.

Good to know the man is shedding... Knowing Dionysus, it's a raging STD. He should get that looked at....

Good to know the man is shedding… Knowing Dionysus, it’s a raging STD. He should get that looked at….

 

Meanwhile, in Provence, Dio is looking for Zola in the rapidly darkening woods.

That bitches don't like unexpected transfiguration?

That bitches don’t like unexpected transfiguration?

 

Zola rushes back towards him through the woods, because of reasons.

Mainly that reason.

Wait for it.

Mainly that reason.

Mainly that reason.

 

Meanwhile, on Olympus, things aren’t going so well for Apollo. What with the being strangled by the newly-freed First Born.

SOMEbody's got some issues....

SOMEbody’s got some issues….

 

But it’s okay because Apollo’s a motherfucking Street Fighter.

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

Uuuuuunfortunately……

Yeah. Not so bueno.

Yeah. Not so bueno.

Back in France, Zola’s trying to get Dio to turn the Minotaur into a pig. But he’s got another plan.

What you should do is take a minute to wax the Minotaur, amiright?

What you should do is take a minute to wax the Minotaur, amiright?

 

Of course, expecting fucking vines to hold the Minotaur at bay is kind of not the best idea…

As illustrated here. And then in several other panels.

As illustrated here. And then in several other panels.

 

Diana and her entourage have arrived at the patio where Dio was “treating” his “guests,” and they quickly follow the sounds of “RRRAAAHHHRRR”-ing coming from the forest nearby. They dart off into the woods, and Hera is told to stay put.

Somebody also should have told her by now to not eat whatever she just fucking finds lying around. Hera pig MIA next issue, anyone?

Somebody also should have told her by now to not eat whatever she just fucking finds lying around. Hera pig MIA next issue, anyone?

 

In the forest, the Minotaur has beaten the immortal fuck out of Dio and is dragging him back through the woods towards Cassandra’s ship. Zola realizes that he was never after her… But she dismisses the fact that it’s a bad idea to follow him, and follows him, trying to help despite her relative helplessness.

Back on Olympus, the battle still rages on. Mostly because Apollo doesn’t realise that repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is one of the first definitions of madness.

Um, because you're supposed to be gods, bro. That's kind of in the definition.

Um, because you’re supposed to be gods, bro. That’s kind of in the definition.

 

The Minotaur carries his quarry onto the airship, but the Hyena men realise that they have some guests… Because really, Apollo’s got to smell delicious like chicken (so, yeah, delicious).

I really do love how blase everybody is about the animal human hybrids and the gods just running around, fucking with shit.

I really do love how blase everybody is about the animal human hybrids and the gods just running around, fucking with shit.

 

Like a crazy bitch, Artemis is psyched about the hunt, but Wonder Woman warns her to chill the fuck out and stay on the defensive.

Thank goodness SOMEone's thinking!

Thank goodness SOMEone’s thinking!

 

Cassandra opts to make her escape while the fighting is going on, because fuck her minions. She’s really cavalier about the fact that acolytes are easy to make and/or come by. Like, “Hey, we’ll just put out another ad on Craigslist. No worries! Let’s roll!”

But, HELLO, meaningful locking of the eyes!

But, HELLO, meaningful locking of the eyes!

 

They try to make their escape, but this is Wonder Woman we’re talking about here, so she latches onto the ship after taking a mighty leap. This does leave me to wonder who the fuck is going to take care of Zola, the baby, and Hera, though, since we’ve established the dubious trustworthiness of all of the gods, let alone Apollo and Artemis, and especially Apollo and Artemis together.

That shit still looks like it closed on your fingers, girl. Ouch.

That shit still looks like it closed on your fingers, girl. Ouch.

 

Cassandra’s aim, meanwhile, was to kidnap one of the Olympians and “persuade” them into revealing the location of Mount Olympus… Because nobody thought to just use Google Maps, I guess. I mean, c’mon, guys! It’s a geographically located mountain!

But, either way, it doesn’t matter, because Dio is psyched at the prospect of directing her right to Olympus… And right to facing off with Apollo.

He looks like he wants popcorn for THIS fight.

He looks like he wants popcorn for THIS fight.

 

But back on Olympus, which kind of looks more like Stark Tower than anything else, the First Born has gotten the upper hand. And, of course, he starts monologuing.

I mean, technically, if he is the FIRST Born......

I mean, technically, if he is the FIRST Born……

 

He tells Apollo that his plan is to kill all of the Greek deities, all of his family, and rule Olympus. He literally says that he just wants to sit on the chair alone. Which… I mean, which is weird. Right? You just want a fancy chair? Not to actually lord over them, but just slaughter them and be alone? Weren’t you pissed because you were alone, and locked away for eons in the first place?

But Apollo is super not okay with this plan. Whether it’s because he doesn’t want to lose the throne, or lose Olympus, or for his family to befall that fate, he’s not having it.

 

Which is also a thing you never want to say to a being already intent on killing you, bro.

Which is also a thing you never want to say to a being already intent on killing you, bro.

Apollo expends all of his energy, blowing himself up, but also getting the First Born caught in the explosion… And all of Mount Olympus, Inc.

But, of course, we've got to realise that that's not gonna kill this MoFo.

But, of course, we’ve got to realise that that’s not gonna kill this MoFo.

 

So, this whole arc is moving towards war over ruling the gods. The First Born is willing to let the world burn just to be king (“King of Ashes” is the title according to the teaser for the next issue). Orion was brought in some time ago, bringing the “New Gods” into the New 52 Universe, so perhaps the rest of that will come in with the impending deaths of the Greek gods, the old gods.

Actually, it would be interesting if they killed off the Greek gods, brought in the New Gods, and that was a whole segue into a Darkseid storyline, especially with the World’s Finest/Superman-Batman crossover going on right now. To see the events of Earth-2 start to bleed into Earth Prime’s goings on? Bring back the Multiverse!

But, back to this book, this war between the gods, to become leader, and to rule those who rule as Cassandra would want, is interesting especially, or perhaps only because Diana is a god, too, now. Remember that she’s the current goddess of war. While I thought that that might be DC’s way of turning the character dark, because that is kind of their schtick nowadays, what with being fueled by war and rage, and violence and death, for now it’s just looking more and more like they’re trying to set Diana up for a place of leadership amongst the Pantheon. Which would be cool, and really would switch up the status quo of the character, but I’m not so certain that that would be such a good thing.

I’ve been adamant in the past that a lot of the characters who need something to make them more interesting are simply missing a cast of supporting characters (*cough* Supergirl *cough*). When we see the doing battle, sure it’s exciting, but it’s also great to see them dealing with normal problems of the powerless. Every day relationships. That’s why Spider-Man took off when he was first created. Spider-Man was exciting, but Peter Parker was still trying to live his life, and it was compelling to a whole mess of readers. Clark’s secret identity is a point of dissension between him and Diana right now, and although I hardly want to encourage the writers to get them together any more than they already are, maybe she needs to see how the other half lives.

I miss Diana Prince, damn it!

And while it’d be awesome to see a cosmically powerful Wonder Woman being the HBIC, I don’t think that it’s going to make for a particularly interesting read.

But then, hey, there’s also baby Zeke to consider. Maybe iyt’ll end up First Born versus last born.

We’ll just have to wait and see.