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New 52 Comic Review – “Superman/Wonder Woman #5

So, you’ve all seen by now that I’ve dropped a few comics. Because they’re comics that I can’t stand. Why, then, have I kept this series on? Could it be that I’ve actually grown to like it?!

Haha, no.

Not even a little bit. In fact, I hate it so much that I’m forcing myself to continue reading and review each issue through at least issue #6, maybe through #12, just to prove that I’m not being petty because I don’t/can’t ship Clark/Diana. Rather, I’ll stick with it to be certain that this is not a viable pairing (and so far it is SUPER not a good match), and to prove it to others that this shit needs to stop right now.

In fact, given that, let’s get on to the review.

Uh...Huh.

Uh…Huh.

Wonder Woman is on Paradise Island… Again. Because she done already went there, and talked to her fossilized mother, and then left again, all in her solo book. So, still not sure how this book ties into their own titles.

Anyways, Diana is visiting her decimated home specifically to apologize, but mostly to freely express what she views as a weakness. That is, her relationship with Clark.

And his Secret ID is apparently driving her bonkers.

And his Secret ID is apparently driving her bonkers.

Meanwhile, Clark is still battling Zod and his latest Phantom Zone escapee, Zod’s lover Faora, who is rabid and totally not here for these shenanigans.

But that bitch back in the Phantom Zone!

But that bitch back in the Phantom Zone!

Apparently, coming out of the Phantom Zone is like coming out of the Lazarus Pit, in that you come out batshit crazy until somebody can knock some sense into you. That somebody in this case? Zod. But, before he can deal with his girlfriend’s time of the month, he has to distract Clark. He does so quite effectively by freeing all of the creatures in the Fortress of Solitude’s zoo.

Although, really, he might want to rethink some of his pet options in here......

Although, really, he might want to rethink some of his pet options in here……

Back on Themiscyra, Diana discovers that the doors to the Underworld are… slightly askew. So, something must have escaped from hell… But I’m more stuck on how the entrance to hell is on Paradise Island.

Uhhh, no?

Uhhh, no?

While fighting the creature from the black lagoon, Clark loses track of Zod and Faora, so he enlists the help of his wingman, Batman. Why Batman, because Supes is in the dog house and Diana isn’t picking up her comm.

This is why Batman can't have superpowers. He would just slap people for the stupid shit they do. All day, every day.

This is why Batman can’t have superpowers. He would just slap people for the stupid shit they do. All day, every day.

Of course, she may be a bit busy with that whole something-just-escaped-from-hell-and-now-I’ve-got-to-put-it-back-in-its-hole thing…

He just looks happy to be outside.

He just looks happy to be outside.

She binds the demon or whatever and stabs it right through the skull, tossing its carcass back into Tartarus, and then securing the doors with her lasso. Her fucking lasso. Magic motherfucking lasso of motherfucking truth.

WHY? WHY WAS THIS YOUR ONLY OPTION?!!

WHY? WHY WAS THIS YOUR ONLY OPTION?!!

Her lasso, you guys… Is now a super glowy doorstop.

Also, can I just say, “Good enough” should not be a phrase uttered when we’re talking about securing the portal through which the dead and demons can come through from the Underworld to our own? C’mon, bitch, put a little effort into it! Jeebus….

Seriously, bro, is this broad even worth it at this point?

Seriously, bro, is this broad even worth it at this point?

So, back on Keeping up with the Kryptonians, Zod is struggling with Faora and her bullshit, getting the shit kick right on out of him. So, as is always the case with true love, he slams into her and bashes her body into the side of a rock formation.

Ah, l'amour.

Ah, l’amour.

Luckily, and because that’s a thing that always happens in fiction, severe head trauma actually fixes the problem at hand. So, now that he’s managed to catch up to them, commence OPERATION: Team Up on Kal-El!

Oh, this isn't the kind of "Double Team" you were hoping for, Clark...

Oh, this isn’t the kind of “Double Team” you were hoping for, Clark…

Shit’s not going so well for Clark, and they’re already learning all about their fun new powers on Earth. Cyborg finally gets in touch with Wonder Woman, who stops to take a second to get her boots back on, lest she look underdressed for a superhero.

...Your boots zipper up. Really????

…Your boots zipper up. Really????

Once properly accessorized for her first meeting with some other Kryptonians, she zips to the scene, just in time to save Clark from another round of ass whooping.

Wonder Woman learned a language?! Oh, BFD.

Wonder Woman learned a language?! Oh, BFD.

Also, does “He is MINE” totally not sound like she wants to be the one to beat his ass?

Zod mocks Diana before they fight. Big mistake.

I don't know why her sword is burning a bitch, but Faora's got to be pissed that Zod goaded her on earlier.

I don’t know why her sword is burning a bitch, but Faora’s got to be pissed that Zod goaded her on earlier.

Clark and Diana swap partners briefly (again, not in the way you’d hope), and Clark suggests bondage.

sww5-17

Again, was there nothing else you could have used?

Clark, unfortunately, it turns out is a total vagina, getting caught by the throat and unable to free himself despite his arms being free, his super strength which should by all right surpass Zod’s because of his extensive exposure to Earth’s yellow sun, the fact that he also has heat vision, super breath that freezes shit and which Zod probably isn’t even aware of yet, the ability to kick Zod in his super nuts… Really, the list goes on and there’s no reason for this shit to drag on.

Alas, we have reached an impasse. Might I suggest iocane powder.

Alas, we have reached an impasse. Might I suggest iocane powder?

Diana threatens to kill Faora, and so the two call it quits and part ways as unlikely friends promise to kill each other at a later date, sometime more convenient for them all, Faora will call Diana and she’ll pencil her in for next month’s issue, etc.

sww5-19

“Strategic Retreat” sure sounds like you lost to me.

So, in order to prolong this story, we have to let them go. Because you couldn’t just agree to let each partner go and then keep fighting right then and there. Or, it’s not like everybody there except for Clark comes from a military background and so was trained in ways which include how to deal with casualties or anything.

Now, the thing about this issue is that I didn’t really mind it. It was an alright read. However, that’s because they weren’t really together in this issue. They fought together. Hey, that’s great! I actually really like it when Superman and Wonder Woman team up! It’s the bee’s knees! BUT, I still do not like them together!

I just don’t see it. And this issue did nothing to alleviate my feelings of… “Ugh” for this pairing.

Come back next month, for more on this couple with next issue’s review.

In the meantime, for more on why none of the Fangirls are really here for this couple, along with several others, be sure to check out our podcast!

Later, nerds!

Comic Review – Superman / Wonder Woman #3

Train-wreck time! This fuckin’ book, I swear…

On the first page, Cat Grant receives a manila envelope with a USB drive inside. Whatever she sees is supposedly “Whoa”-worthy. But that’s all that we’re going to see about that…

Cut to the moon, specifically its dark side, where Superman is supersulking because now he’s too powerful (oh, boo-fucking-hoo) and he can’t let Diana see him like this!

Um, yeah, Clark, moping is kind of a boner killer.

Um, yeah, Clark, moping is kind of a boner killer.

Lucky for him, Bruce is at the Watchtower, comms on and all, ready to bro out with his homie. Batman reassures him, telling him that the reason they’re such best buds is because Clark was raised human, so he’s still that “dumb farmboy,” and that that’s probably why he’s freaking out about his relationship with Diana, since she’s been a super special princess since birth…

sww03-batadvice

Which seems like kind of a passive aggressive moment from a fucking billionaire who I’m sure has dated lots of spoiled rich girls…

Meanwhile, Diana is out shopping with the VERY unfortunately named Hessia (her name means poo in Greek, and they’re fucking AMAZONS AND THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER. DC YOU OFFICIALLY NEED MY APPROVAL BEFORE DOING THINGS. ALL THINGS). She’s asking for girlfriendy advice on what to get her boyfriend for their first Christmas together. Her friend whose name I refuse to repeat because of ALL of the reasons suggests that the gift needs to be thoughtful, not flashy, and it needs to show him that she knows who is really is.

"Do you know who he is?" See? Even this bitch is questioning their relationship.

“Do you know who he is?” See? Even this bitch is questioning their relationship.

Bruce alerts Clark of some bidness developing in North Africa (because being specific would be RIDICULOUS), and the Man of Steel is off. We see Zod where he was last issue, covered in blood and surrounded by the mangled bodies of a slew of unfortunate brown people, just caught in his crazy ass way. One of the men is still alive and able to say “Min Fadlak,” which is “Please” or “If you please” in Arabic, so Zod naturally comes to the conclusion that stomping this man’s face into an unrecognizable slurry is the appropriate response.

Seriously, these poor dudes.

Seriously, these poor dudes.

Zod unreasonably quickly learns to fly and heads for the nearest populated area, only to be intercepted by the Martian Manhunter. J’onn asks if he needs help, and Zod, ever friendly, decides to sock him in the face.

Like, a lot.

Like, a lot.

Manhunter isn’t alone, though, and Hawkman, Steve Trevor, and some dude named Vibe are all there for whatever reason. But all of their fighting and all of Zod’s “Rhar” sounds don’t matter, because Diana and Clark show up to restrain Zod anyways. Because it’s THEY’RE book, dammit. The various group members argue over who gets custody of the threat. Dianna claims him as her prisoner since she was able to tie him up with the magic lasso and they end up putting him in Clark’s care because Superman doesn’t trust Earth, New 52 style… Steve tries to play the ex card, but she tells him it’s nothing personal and the two fly away to the Fortress of Solitude because it’s TOTALLY personal if she’s gonna tell them Zod’s her prisoner and then she’s going to just hand him over to Clark.

Steve... Superman is RIGHT there.

Steve… Superman is RIGHT there.

During this time, Zod apologizes for his actions, speaking perfect English because I guess they get cable in the Phantom Zone. He also tempts Clark with the fact that he knew Jor-El… So Clark locks him in his menagerie.

But, hey, at least there's a couch and a room divider. I'm sure that'll keep Zod from going crazy and murdering EVERYONE...

But, hey, at least there’s a couch and a room divider. I’m sure that’ll keep Zod from going crazy and murdering EVERYONE…

Content to leave their captive unsupervised like so many Bond villains before them, Diana and Clark saunter out and she’s just itching to give him his Christmas present early, saying they’re probably not going to have another perfect moment like locking a dude in a glass box.

sww03-itstime

So, first of all, you KNOW the JLA is keeping those comms open and sitting in the WatchTower with a bucket of popcorn and a Big Gulp.

sww03-merrychristmas

Second, gag.

So, Diana’s idea for a Christmas gift is yuletide sex, but… Shouldn’t that be a given? On holidays and birthdays? Greek bitch is just being cheap about it. But before they can get past a little bit of tongue, they are interrupted by the scourge of Super-Hearing.

Look at his POUT! Jeez...

Look at his POUT! Jeez…

This is probably what Cat saw on that first page. She likely uploaded it herself to her clarkcatropolis.com monstrosity of a domain. Why this would stop them mid-make-out doesn’t make any sense to me… It’s like, hey, no crime-stopping? Awesome. But, oh, people know we’re together, so now we should stop even though there’s nothing we can do about it. Actually, why were they even keeping it a secret? Y’know what this reminds me of..?

"Mopeds are fun but you don't want your friends to see you riding one."

“Mopeds are fun but you don’t want your friends to see you riding one.”

Although who the fuck would call Wonder Woman a moped is beyond me… Actually, considering how douchey this incarnation of Superman is, he’s probably the one you’d be embarrassed to be seen with. Like, “I know he’s dumb, but he’s so good looking,” and your friends just can’t get past how shallow you are… Meanwhile, Diana’s friend’s advice of “give him a gift that shows you know who he is inside” culminates in her being like, “Sex ’cause you’re a dude end of story.” So, a lot of that lack of depth going around…

Ahem.

Even though I take exception to DC calling Clark and Diana “Our Super-Couple,” (they ain’t MINE) I do love that they’re going to have an unhappy New Years because they’re creating their own White People Problems. Seems about right for them considering how ridiculous they’re being.

This fucking series, I swear to Bob… So, what’s the more imminent threat here? A superpowered escapee from the Phantom Zone, which you know is the place they send the most vile of Kryptonian offenders, or your super celebrity relationship coming out on TMZ? Doing the covers of magazines and shit…

Although, to be be fair, I would totally read this magazine...

Although, to be be fair, I would totally read this magazine…

Le sigh. I can’t even with this.

See y’all for a review of their Crappy New Years!