The Walking Dead S5E13 – “Spend”

 This episode opens on Father Gabriel, strolling around Alexandria, finding a little chapel, tearing up a bible.

I feel like they could do better than this MoFo.

Y’know. Just regular priest stuff.

We see Daryl for five seconds. The only five seconds of this episode that half of the fans give a shit about.

After the opening credits, and Daryl heads out on a run on his new stupidly-loud motorcycle, Deanna has a meeting in a gazebo with Noah. He’d like to learn how to build things. To keep the walls up. To keep shit secure. To have a second set of brains that know how to fix shit up. They bond a bit, which is sweet, and doubtlessly designed to make the viewer forget their suspicions of the Alexandrians…

 

OTP.

Noah, Tara, the Magic Mullet, Glenn, and mama’s boy Aiden head out in a windowless van to run for supplies to fix their power grid. And Aiden is blasting shitty music that is just full of dub step and foreshadowing.

Rick goes on a call to investigate some property damage, as one of Jesse’s art pieces has been bashed apart. Was it her husband’s doing? Was is a ploy by Jesse herself to get Rick to come over..?

Hmmm…

On the run with best buddies Glenn and Aiden, the latter seems to be trying to appear much more genial this time around. Tara and the Mullet team up to look around the warehouse they want to infiltrate, and that fucking hairball makes himself even less likable… Inside the warehouse, which is dark and loaded with places to hide and, as Glenn and Noah discovered, crawling with walkers in the parking lot out front.

Once again, in their relentless efforts to drive me crazy, they mosey on past a dozen or so snarling but otherwise trapped walkers WITHOUT killing them… If only to silence the moans! Like, to hear if there are other walkers creeping up on them?

Like the one that sneaks up on Aiden. With body armour. And a pressurized tank or explosive of some kind.

Which he doesn’t see because he doesn’t listen to Glenn’s advice.

Aannd he’s dead now.Which will certainly make Deanna love the shit out of them.

Meanwhile, Tara is pinned, unconscious, and wins walker on its way to her. And with only Eugene’s worthless ass to save her.

Also meanwhile, the boy, Sam, who Carol threatened with an untimely death by evisceration, has SNUCK INTO CAROL’S HOUSE TO BEFRIEND HER AND BALE COOKIES AND SHIT.

White boys have NO healthy sense of self preservation, I swear…

And she, in turn, gets him to steal chocolate for her.

It turns out, back in that warehouse, that Aiden isn’t dead after all, and so the others have to save him while MulletMan is left to protect Tara…

Oy.

Abraham is busy working on construction duty, collecting sheet metal for… Whatever… And having a ‘Nam flashback with a rifle right in front of him. Walkers attack and the shit shots of Alexandria cause a woman to be put into direct danger, and the bastards have the nerve to leave her behind. Naturally, Ford goes and saves her, relishing in the fight because of course his ass does.

He’s a ginger with an alcohol problem and it’s St. Patrick’s Weekend. This motherfucker is gonna FIGHT.

He tosses his rifle to the woman he saved and uses a Bren utility light like a medieval flail because of course he does. One of the other Alexandrians goes to his aid. The one who caused all the trouble in the first place makes no such move.

Rick confronts Jesse’s husband, who is day-drinking because OF COURSE HE IS. And he wants to be brow with Rick. I know because he told him so while drunkenly invading his personal space.

As Glenn tries to pry Aiden out from hpbeing rebar’ed to the wall, his homie leaves him, apologizing but telling him that, hey, they both left some bitch behind before; they’re both just trash like that and Aiden should’ve known better.

Huh.

Suddenly, the Mullet seems bearable.

And, I guess, ONE white boy has a sense of self-preservation…

Because Glenn can’t pry Aiden off and Noah can’t hold the zombies off, and if only they had a conscious woman with them, I feel like this whole thing would’ve gone a lot better… Smoother.

Anywho, Aiden has a very gory, very lengthy death scene, as he wails in agony as zombies tear apart his insides. And he totally should have passed out way sooner than he did, what with his organs being outside of his body.

HOW? HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE AND SCREAMING?!

It turns out, as Abraham finds out, they have a “system” of abandonment in Alexandria.

And the coward from Glenn’s group causes everyone to get trapped in a revolving door because you can’t jump a shark in a land-locked show.

Douchey McChickenshit, the former foreman at the scrap scavenging, actually vouches for Abraham. Maggie backs him up. But Deanna is freaking out about handing over all of this power to a bunch of newbies.

Which, legit.

I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.

Sam brings Carol chocolate and she’s the rudest to him, but he looks like one of those little kids who need both a loving ear and some fucking discipline. He gets Carol to open up. And he does so in return. And it turns out that this little shit broke the owl statue. Fucker.

Behold the new face of evil.

 

He asks for a gun. But not for himself. And, hell, aren’t small children always the most trustworthy with firearms? Carol asks him who it’s for and he bolts.

Whoop.We all know what that means…

Domestic abuse!

Look at the flowers, Pete…

 

And, in the revolving door, Nicholas the Alexandrian coward bolts. And Noah gets got.

And Glenn has to watch, still trapped.

And I know that I shouldn’t laugh. But I can’t help it.

They need Terry Crews on this show.

ZA? No problem.

Wait, no. He’s black. He wouldn’t last on this show.

BUT!

But.

The impossible has happened.

THE MULLET HAS REDEEMED HIMSELF.

I mean, he still had to be saved by Glenn, but he saved Tara and he stood up for the Grimes gang. And that counts for a whole heap.

Carol confronts Pete. And her suspicions are confirmed as far as she’s concerned. And Carol’s word is law.

Meanwhile, Father Gabriel comes to Deanna to tell her that Rick and Company are the Devil in disguise.

That’s right. Father Gabriel.

METAPHORS.

But Maggie heard him. And all of his BULLSHIT.

Fuuuuck.

And Carol’s talking Rick into killing Pete.

Which.

Legit.

But how the fuck is Deanna gonna take the group when they return with the news of Adrian’s death?

I’m betting…

Not…

Well…

So… This shit’s going to escalate quickly.

You’d think, if they manage to tear down yet another safe haven shortly aft their arrival therein, at least one of the group might be able to step back and wonder… Maybe it’s us?

Or!

At least, they could start killing off the easy to get walkers so that they don’t come back to literally bite them in the ass later.

Because REALLY.

Learn some math.

At least Lori was TRYING to keep Carl’s education going.

“When am I ever gonna use math in real life, mom?”

“When the fucking zombies come, Carl. Now what’s 14 to the 3rd power?”

Exponential growth is the REAL threat.

Sigh…

Until next week.