“The Walking Dead” Recap S5E5 – “Self-Help”

It’s the Doctor Mullet show!

Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Good golly, I never thought I’d miss Beth.

What is her name? Well, that girl was first in with the Governor finally teased Eugene about mullet mountain on the back of his neck. Thank goodness. And Glenn and Maggie have a bunch of questions about how this whole thing is going to work… Including ANOTHER question about the hair. Eugene says that he likes it, and that it’s staying, and that he’s been told that it makes him look like “a fun guy.”

And claims that he is a fun guy.

Because everybody loves Dr. Mullet!

Because everybody loves Dr. Mullet!


…Until the bus flips over.

After the opening credits roll, we get a nice flashback of Ford murdering a bunch of other survivors in a picked-clean supermarket.

In the bus, which is now swarmed, they fight their way out, everybody concerned about Eugene’s safety. Eugene once again proves his uselessness as everyone around him takes out walkers like fucking pros, and he stands frozen, holding a 4 inch folding knife with two hands like it’s going to bite him.

No, bro. The ZOMBIES are going to bite you.

Ford orders Rosita to look Dr. Mullet over for bites. The First Aid kit is in the bus… which promptly bursts into flames. The talking Mullet says that they can always o back the fifteen miles to the church, but Ford is not stopping. Glenn and Maggie insist that they’re going with them, as promised. That girl whose name I CAN NEVER REMEMBER suggests that they look for bike, since they “don’t burn” (<-LIES. I can set a bike on fire, I’m sure.), validating all of the nerds who are pro-small transport in the Zombie Apocalypse.

A little more Flashback Ford shows him looking for someone, and a woman and two ginger boys turn to look at him with fear.

In the now, we see some survival skills coming into play as they transform a book shop into a place to sleep for the night, taking fresh water from the tank of a toilet, burning books for firestarting materials, boiling the water to kill any microbes, blocking doors and windows, stitching up wounds, and humming a jaunty little tune because Beth doesn’t get a monopoly on singing.

Glenn and Ford share a bro-out as they watch walkers passing by through the tinted windows. Later, Ford and Rosita are boinking, and she stops him because Dr. Mullet is WATCHING THEM. From the SELF-HELP section. Whatsherface just wanted to thank him for helping take down a single walker (what fight were YOU watching, girl?) trying to top the awkwardness of this peeping Tomullet. He abruptly admits that he put crushed glass by the fuel line to sabotage the bus. She asks him why the hell he would have done that, and he says that he is fully aware of his fate should he not be able to fix things. She tells him that, ass, they’re friends, and they’d still have his back even if he failed. She’s going to keep his secret, but he can’t do that shit again. He leaves… And she takes a quick peep at the lovers on the other side of the bookshelf!

It’s why she went there all along, isn’t it?

The showrunners gave me (yes, me, specifically) a nice Glenn and Maggie moment… Which has me anxious about their fates because, damn it, they’re too in love and too awesome and things have been going to well for them since they met and is that dramatic music now playing and turning mildly creepy at the end of the scene?!

Deep breath.

Another Ford Flashback, and, of wait, is one of his kids a girl..? Well, anywho, the man is covered in blood and seems to understand his family’s… Trepidation.

 You couldn't find a wet nap? Some Purell?

You couldn’t find a wet nap? Some Purell?

In the present, Rosita insists that they stay another day at the book store, since they keep on stopping because they never start out “at 100%.” Despite the fact that the woman has a point, they press on, commandeering a fire truck… Which dies about a foot and a half down the road. The truck was blocking a door… which opens to reveal dozens of walkers. But it’s Dr. Mullet to the rescue! Using the water hose to cut down the walkers who, at this point appear to be made out of pudding!

Good to know we’ll never stop wasting fresh water in the States!

Another Ford Family Flashback, and his family has ditched him as he slept, leaving a note. “Don’t try to find us.” But Ford is bad at taking direction, as we’ve all seen by now.

On the back of the firetruck, Maggie comes to Eugene to tell him that the mullet is his mask. Like a white trash Samson… Except for not. But a stank on the horizon alerts them to a mass of walkers which is completely unreasonable to confront.

Naturally, Ford wants to keep on a-going.

Rosita ain’t here for that, though.

And Ford ain’t here for the rest of them, taking Eugene by the arm and pulling him down the road. The rest try to stop him, and a fight breaks out, Ford fighting them off and his ever-present rifle still in his grip. Things get very heated and it looks pretty bad…

Until Dr. Mullet confesses…

He’s not a scientist.


I’ve been saying it. I have been SAYING it. Dr. Mullet is no scientist. He is merely… MISTER Mullet.

He tearfully admits that he’s been using them… But he does think that DC is where it’s at.

…And nobody ever told him that they liked his hair. And, of course, he still has to point out that he’s smarter than the lot of them.

Well, that’s the last straw for Abraham Ford. He knocks Eugene with ONE PUNCH and collapses onto his knees.

In a last Ford Flashback, he finds his wife, dead, and her face eaten out. he’s about to kill himself, but a stumbling and screaming Eugene asks for his help. Once Ford takes out the walkers chasing him, Eugene tells him of his “mission.”

Giving him something to live for once again…

Whomp whomp.


Please excuse me for a moment…




AHHAHAHAHAHAHA, I knew that. Other tucker was a liar!

Ahem. Okay. I’m back. I’m alright. I’m good now, you guys.


At this point, the show is kind of like a high-budget PSA for science education because, if these people had even the slightest grasp of biology, they’d be like, “…Dr. Mullet is full of shit.” He would have gotten his ass pounded a whole lot sooner, I can tell you that.

Ahhhhhhh… I feel so… Satisfied by that episode.

It made me so happy.

Hopefully that means that these guys can go on back and rejoin those other guys at the church, they can get Beth, and then some shit can get done… I don’t know what shit, but SOMETHING.

And, honestly, I have very little else to say about this episode.

Aside from hooray! Here’s hoping that there is a distinct lack of mullets and mustaches in the future because, sorry, but I don’t care how useful a guy is if he’s batshit crazy as well.

Bye, bitch, indeed.

Bye, bitch, indeed.

On a side note, I would like to express how glad I am that I’m up to date on this show because a simple and vague Google search would have ruined my life. Good Instant Search needs a fucking spoiler filter!

The same thing happened to me with Downton Abbey, and I'm still not over it.

The same thing happened to me with Downton Abbey, and I’m still not over it.

Next week we get some Carol/Daryl action, so until that awesomeness!

About pattyinreallife

I'm a graphic artist, writer, film-maker, and avid baker. I sing in the car and laugh at the worst/best moments. I am the coolest nerd you will ever meet. Try not to let your jealousy show too badly.

Posted on November 10, 2014, in The Walking Dead, TV Show Reviews and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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