DC New 52 Review: Catwoman #26

Happy New Year, Ladies and Gents! Hope yours was swellllll….

Now, on to the review:

I’ve got to admit, it took me a little bit of time to actually get into reading this issue because, well… THIS.

I CANNOT.

I CANNOT.

I can’t get into this Joker’s Daughter character. First of all, does she even have a name of her own? But second, and way the fuck more importantly, she is still wearing the rotting flesh of the Joker’s face (which I still don’t understand as far as his cutting his own face off goes) over all of the olfactory sensors! Luckily for everyone else and their noses, though, the book opens on JD trapped, encased in wax by Tinderbox, probably specifically to nullify her stank.

Meanwhile, at Rock Bottom (because DC needs to stop thinking that they’re so clever), Catwoman gets slimed down into a temporarily cooled lava pit full of diamonds… Which she can’t take because she realizes that she’s going to have to save the day instead.

I'm over here like, "Bitch, you can take two handfuls. You do have pockets on that outfit, don't you?"

I’m over here like, “Bitch, you can take two handfuls. You do have pockets on that outfit, don’t you?”

 

Catwoman name-drops her tech designer, Alice Tesla (because Tesla has become real popular and DC is nothing if not a whore totally bereft of original ideas), and we cut to above-ground Gotham City, where said nerd is currently clawing her way through the rubble and bemoaning the tattered remains of her favourite Lolita outfit.

I think we might need another Costume Dynamics article/intervention here.

I think we might need another Costume Dynamics article/intervention here.

The dialogue is kind of killing me in this book, as first Catwoman and now Alice both speak completely in expository phrases, out loud and alone or in public. Plus add that to earlier, when we see the attempt at a glimpse into a crazy person’s mind with JD’s inner monologue and it just reads like this bitch is trying too hard to appear insane when, really, all she has to do is show up up wearing someone else’s face and that ought to convince most people.

And what is going on with her neck?!

And what is going on with her neck?!

Alice uses her radio to send Catwoman a frequency which causes gems to explode. Although this is problematic because Selina is currently surrounded by diamonds, she quickly realises that she can use this tone to rig up the diamonds like dynamite and collapse the mine and bury the lava pit. Her buddy Rat-Tail shows up and she tells him that they’ve got to get to work.

Bro... How long have you been down there?

Bro… How long have you been down there?

Tinderbox, who is female and insert-vagina-joke-here, argues with her dad in Charneltown over her botching an intertribal marriage agreement meant to tie rival gangs together and the two conspire to explode the dude’s gem-bombs and destroy the underground and set Gotham on fire… And, meanwhile, Catwoman is also going to blow up the gems…. But in a good way?

Whatever.

As Catwoman and Rat-Tail rig up their explosives and their getaway (and he finds a cat in the slime), she passes by Warhog and his crew. She tells them of her plan and advises them to get either to their bunker or to higher ground, handing Warhog a vial of his “bio-agent” and heading off to set a timer to flood the underground again. Warhog ignores her warning and heads off to stall Doctor Phosphorous.

Meanwhile, he just had his son promise to continue his work in the previous scene, sooooo...

Meanwhile, he just had his son promise to continue his work in the previous scene, sooooo…

In the Nethers (insert private-parts-related joke here), Catwoman finds the Joker’s Daughter still encased in wax. Here she calls her by name, “Duela,” and I find this confirmation that this is New 52 Duela Dent extremely disappointing.

Selina makes a deal with JD, that she’ll set the correct floodgates to open when Catwoman needs them to, and waxes (pun!) on how it’s probably a bad idea to trust a Joker as she busts her out of her waxy cocoon.

Derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp

Derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp

JD assaults Catwoman (surprise!) with her hot cane, which starts to burn through her mask (which should mean that it’s already hot enough to burn her cheek but, hey, comics) and tells her that she’s either going to rule the Gotham Undergound with her or never. But Selina is able to get the upper hand because that cat that her homie found..? It’s Duela’s.

And this is why cat people are A.) weird as fuck and B.) never to be trusted.

And this is why cat people are A.) weird as fuck and B.) never to be trusted.

While Warhog is chatting it up with Doctor Phosphorous, looking like a sausage stuffed way too tight into its casing, Catwoman and JD arrive to find the cat covered in wax a la Tinderbox. This, like so many other things, set’s JD off, and the crazy bitch heads off to fight. Selina tries to get Warhog to get himself up to higher ground, and Doctor Phosphorous sets off some of his gembombs to explode all over the behemoth man’s back.

...What??????

…What??????

Unfortunately for Doctor Phosphorous and Tinderbox, the frequency sets off the diamonds in the ceiling and the place begins to topple overhead. Phosphorous is confident that they’ll live on as the world burns, but then…

Oh, yeah, maybe this isn't all that great, huh?

Oh, yeah, maybe this isn’t all that great, huh?

And the floodgates open.

Tinderbox dies. Warhog dies. The folks in the bunker realise that they’ve trapped themselves with precisely ZERO women and will have to resort to homosexuality. And JD’s fucking cat is struck by a falling stone which frees it instead of crushing it!

Awww, she looks so happy...

Awww, she looks so happy…

Selina did swipe some gembombs (atta girl!) and she meets up with Alice, promising to help her rebuild her place once she has the funds available.

Chekov's gun? Checkov's gun.

Chekov’s gun? Checkov’s gun.

The issue closes with Selina questioning the other remaining and unexploded gem bombs. Alice assures her that the frequency could NEVER be accientally found, and that all is subsequently safe.

Thank you, Bugs Bunny...

Thank you, Bugs Bunny…

In all, the story was pretty convoluted, the writing not so great, the dialogue insipid, and the writer obviously thinks she’s a fucking genius. I’m not really here for New 52 Catwoman, but this is, sadly, not the worst book the publisher is releasing. Either way, I plan to keep reviewing.

See you next time for hopefully better writing!

 

 

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About pattyinreallife

I'm a graphic artist, writer, film-maker, and avid baker. I sing in the car and laugh at the worst/best moments. I am the coolest nerd you will ever meet. Try not to let your jealousy show too badly.

Posted on January 3, 2014, in DC Comics and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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